Butterflies and Rainbows

3D Ultrasound - 27 weeks, 5 days

2012-05-26T15:58:00.000-05:00

We got to see our girl again today and it was AMAZING. These ultrasounds are expensive, but so worth it.

We only have 2 pictures at this point, I'll explain why below. But here they are:

That is her left hand on her forehead and her right foot near her
left eye. You can see an eyebrow above her right eye

The only picture we got of just her face. A little blurry,
but it's something

I was so nervous and excited this morning. I think it was more anticipation than nervousness, but my heart kept beating fast. The two women who were there for the scan were really nice. My Mom and Dad came as well and Mom told them before they started that this isn't my first baby, that my first was didn't make it. They were so nice about it. I told them that I was 21 weeks pregnant when he was born and they said how sorry they were, that they had both had early miscarriages which had been horrible so they can't even imagine. They asked if we knew why he died so I explained that an amniotic band wrapped around the umbilical cord. My Mom told them that I've had 3 miscarriages too. I was really glad she did. I don't know if that's why they tried so hard to get a good picture of her face or if they would have anyway. I think they would have anyway since, if they hadn't, we wouldn't recommend them to others. I definitely would at this point.

So she started with a 2D ultrasound and right away we could see Emily opening her mouth and sticking her tongue out. It was so adorable. Her head was/is on my left side and her bum on my right. I'm not surprised about that because I often get a hard spot on both sides, more often on the left the past few days. I also get a small hard spot on my upper right, which I thought must be a knee or heel and it looks like I was right.

Emily was so funny. Her legs were parallel to her torso - right up her front, slightly bent at first and then completely straight - and her feet were at her forehead. And she stayed like that for a long time. They commented on what long legs she has and said they think she will be really tall. That's why we didn't get a really clear picture of just her face, there was always at least one foot in the way. But we got excellent pictures of her feet and ankles and legs. We listened to her heartbeat and her heart rate was 160bpm. We saw her heart, her stomach, her spine, her ribs...even her teeth buds. We were all just in awe. We could even see the blood flow through her umbilical cord and where the cord goes into her belly. Eventually we could see that her bladder was full and the ultrasound tech that sometimes you can see it emptying, but she didn't pee while we were watching. The ultrasound tech flipped from 2D to 3D as we waited for her to move her feet away.

We couldn't see her face at all at first, just her chin sometimes. So we had a good look at her ankles, feet, heels, the back of her legs and her left arm. When we were talking about her position, the tech said said that sometimes the babies get their toes stuck in their nostrils in that position. That didn't happen with Emily, but it is pretty funny. We got some clear pictures of her feet, toes and her fingers, something else that was really high on my list of must haves and they are perfect and I felt like crying when I saw them. So perfect. They commented on what long fingers and toes she has. We got a glimpse of her cheeks and they are huge! We thought she had big cheeks from the anatomy scan, but you can't really tell for sure with a 2D. I had really big cheeks when I was born. So big that they looked funny if I was lying on my back. So when my Mom heard anything come into the room, she would sit me up a little if she was holding me and then I looked really cute (according to her, who am I to disagree).

Since her legs were both up near her face, they had a look just to confirm that she is a girl and she is :) I could also see the umbilical cord going up across her chest and over her left shoulder. While in 2D, they pointed out the placenta, which looked like a fluffy cloud.

It seems that she fell asleep a few minutes into the scan. About 30 minutes before the scan, I had a glass of juice and 3 cookies, hoping that would wake her up since she had already had a nap during the morning. During the scan, they gave me some apple juice and we waited a few minutes, but it didn't do anything. In fact, she was more relaxed. Her head was tipped back, her neck extended, when we looked again, with her forehead was pressing into the side of my uterus. We could see her jaw, chin, lips and nostrils, but nothing above that because of the position of her head.

It was also funny that she slept so much because she does not like things pressing against my belly. She doesn't like the doppler, has been active for all other ultrasounds, and even kicks my arm quickly if it is on my belly. She did kick a few times, and hard enough that the ultrasound tech (I didn't get her name), felt it, but she just wouldn't move her legs. So I got up to walk around for 5 minutes and they gave me 2 pieces of chocolate. I said how she didn't move much after I did the diabetes test when I had 50g of sugar in 5 minutes, but hopefully it would work. I moved around and put some light pressure on my belly, hoping. I was getting worried that we would never get a clear image of her face and felt disappointed and knew that I would cry all the way home.

I lay back down and she had moved one foot from her face, but the one was still up there and so was an arm. She had taken her face out of the side of my uterus though, so that made me more hopeful. While in the 2D mode, we saw her move her leg from her face, so she quickly switched to 3D and got a quick glance, but couldn't see her whole face again. She asked if I could turn on my right side if it wasn't too uncomfortable and I said that I would do anything to see her face.

Turning on the right helped. She was still covering her face but had moved her leg and hand slightly and we finally saw her face. That is when we got the pictures above. As soon as I saw the glimpse of her face, I felt so much relief and felt very emotional. I wished that I could look at Ted, but he was to the left of the bed and I didn't dare move in case she did. Ted later told me that when he saw her face, his heart just jumped and it was such an amazing moment.

At one point, she had her foot under chin, like it was supporting her head, and one hand across the top of her head with her fingers spread out over her forehead. Eventually her foot moved and her left hand was holding on to the bottom of her left foot, while her other hand was still up by her forehead. They started saying that I might have to come back again so that they could get a clearer image of her face. The images of everything else were so clear, they couldn't have been better, but we just couldn't get one of her face. I relaxed then too, knowing that this wasn't our only chance. Eventually I asked if another visit would be covered by the same fee paid for this one and they said it would be.

They tried some more, but my stubborn girl just wouldn't move so they said that I'll have to come back, which is just fine with me. The more times I can see her, the better. At first we were going to make an evening appointment. They had an availability on on the 31st but I really didn't want an ultrasound that day, 2 years from the day I had 2 to confirm that Jacob had died. Then I remembered that I have a doctor's appointment on the 30th anyway, so I'll just leave work a little earlier and go for the ultrasound first.

I don't know what I can do to try to make her move, since the usual tricks didn't work. Maybe I will experiment with a bit of caffeine (just a cup of tea), which I don't have much of these days.

Mom and Dad treated us for lunch after and I couldn't stop looking at her pictures. We didn't get the CD or DVD yet because they are just going to use the same ones and add to them at the next appointment, so there will be more pictures coming soon!

We went out and ran some errands after and I just felt so giddy and happy and still do.

27 weeks

2012-05-22T19:51:00.005-05:00

My belly measure 39 inches around now. Ted said two people came to him at work today and asked him when I'm due because I look so big. I LOVE having a big belly. I think my favourite spot to put my hands is near the bottom. There is just such a nice curve, I love how I can feel it sticking out and curving at the same time. I wish I could bottle the feeling of my belly and the feeling of her kicks for after she's born, so that I can always have a way of feeling it. I already miss both feelings, and I still have them.

Last night Ted said that my belly is really out front now and not as wide. My friend at work has been away for a week and when she got in this morning, she came over right away to see my belly and said the same thing.

I hadn't had the pain in the back of my pelvis in awhile, but it started up again right at 26 weeks. I'll be walking and feeling fine, then suddenly have a stabbing pain in my pack, right over the left pelvic bone. It comes and goes, but it does make me limp when it's there. I didn't have it all weekend, but today it came back with a vengeance.

Have I mentioned that my lactose intolerance is barely there? I can eat cheese, put milk on my cereal and eat ice cream without any bad side effects. It's so nice.

I went to a luncheon function through work last week. I went to so many of these after Jacob died and saw pregnant women everywhere and it was hard. It was so nice to go and be the pregnant one. I loved that I had to take the long way to our table because I couldn't squeeze between the other tables to get to it.

I've used the doppler twice during the past week. On the 16th I just felt like using it and her heart rate came up right away at 164, then she moved away and I had to chase her a little bit to get it again.

I used it again today at Ted's request. He doesn't normally ask me to use it...usually he feels a lot of stress when I do so I use it when he isn't nearby. But today he has just felt so worried. I noticed that he had his hand on my belly a lot last night while we were sleeping, but didn't think that it was because he was worried. Turns out that he didn't sleep well at all because he just couldn't push the worry aside. It didn't help that he didn't feel her move during the night. I felt her move when I got up to pee (twice), but she settled down quickly. When she did move, it was on my left side, which was against the pillow. He told me about this as we were on our way to work and anxiously asked if she has moved. He called me mid-morning just to check on her movement and then really opened up about just how worried he has been today. On our way home, he asked me to use the doppler, which I did and got her heartbeat right away. I haven't recorded it in awhile, so I did today. Her heartrate was so easy to hear, with no interference from mine or other noises, which is usually the case. She didn't move away from it either so there was no chasing around trying to keep it on the doppler.

He is so excited for Emily, but is scared to be excited. He wants to start working on her room, but is scared. Scared that the universe will see how happy he is again, how he can't wait to raise her, and she will be taken away. We've gotten excited before and had it taken away. It's scary. I think it was when I was pregnant with Cub and worried about buying two cute sleepers that I saw. Ted encouraged me too, saying that if I feel like doing something for the baby I should. We don't know what tomorrow will bring, but we can enjoy the moment. That really changed my thinking. I had planned to just have the absolute essentials for when I have a baby, but now I'm just assuming that she will live and we'll bring her home and I am having so much fun buying her clothes, choosing a stroller, researching and buying cloth diapers. I'm still scared, but I just want to have as normal a pregnancy as possible with her. I want her to have parents that expect the best to happen, that enjoy all the "normal" things in pregnancy. So the guy who gave me that excellent advice and changed my way of thinking is having trouble doing it himself because the fear is overwhelming.

I think it is easier to be the pregnant one out of the two of us. I always know when she has kicked or squirmed, but he doesn't. I tell him often, but there are still hours and hours when I don't talk about it. I don't mention every single movement. I also don't mention when I haven't felt her in a few hours as I figure there is no need to worry him unless I'm really worried. I know the tricks to make her move now and always get a response after a few minutes. This girl just doesn't like anything resting on my belly :)

I've started to have cramps in my calves during the night, but not every night and I can get rid of them quickly. They hurt quite a bit though and my calves feel stiff and sore for the rest of the day. I got them much earlier with Jacob...they happened most nights as we got closer to 5 months.

I also had a bit of insomnia this week. On May 17th I couldn't get comfortable after getting back into bed after getting up to pee. It didn't help that it is getting harder and harder to take a deep breath. So I just got up so that Ted could sleep and sat on the couch from about 4am until it was time to get ready for work. Amazingly I wasn't tired all day either.

I managed to get her movement on video while I waited for it to be 6:30, so it was time very well spent.

Ted has put his face against my belly a few times this week and told Emily how happy she has made us and how he just can't wait. We were sitting on the couch after watching TV and I had a vision of Emily sitting between us one day.

On May 18th, we were driving to work and Emily was moving a lot. As we sat in the car waiting for the GO train, Emily was still kicking or punching me. I told Ted to feel and he said that it is the strongest he has ever felt her move.

I've had to answer the question "is this your first" 3 times this week. Each time I just said yes, then said to myself "the first to make it this far". Once was a the luncheon, at a table of people, and it was just easier to say yes. Another was a woman at a baby store who was just so excited and asking questions. When she asked, I hesitated as I always do, and said yes. I was with my Mom at the time and she caught my eye and then later asked if I said that just so that I wouldn't make the woman uncomfortable. I love that my Mom said that, that she wouldn't have minded a bit if I had said that this isn't my first.

My lower belly has been feeling heavier over the past week and Emily is sticking her head or bum out a few times a day. Today I felt so much squirming and movement, but not kicks, around 4pm and then something really hard pressing against the upper right side. I wonder if she turned around. I wish I could know how she is positioned and what she is doing in there all the time.

I believe that she woke me up for the first time on May 19th. I wake up several times a night because I'm thirsty, need to pee, or my left shoulder or hip is hurting from laying on my left side most of the night. But this time I was fine and realized that she was moving around, kicking and squirming, and that she probably woke me up. It made me so happy.

I'm having so much fun looking at cloth diapers. I have 5 right now and found a deal online where they were half price. I ordered 4 and can't wait to get them. I would have ordered more, but I'm not sure of the make so didn't want to have a ton of them in case they aren't so great. I also joined a cloth diapering facebook group and joined a group order to get a bunch of diapers wholesale for really cheap. I think I've requested 5 of them and it comes to under $30, which is amazing for cloth diapers.

We've been trying to find a nice rocking chair to put in Emily's room. I wanted something well-cushioned since I figured that I will likely be sleeping it in a lot. Everything we liked was around $400+. Then one day Ted remembered the recliner we have in the basement. I can't believe we didn't think of it sooner. We just bought a nice cover for it and it's like a new chair! I love thinking that we just saved so much money and we have a really comfortable chair. I might start sleeping in it once in a while now because it's easier to breath sitting up.

I got a slight sunburn on my legs this weekend, from sitting out for less than an hour. I used to be able to be in the sun for 12 hours and I might get a tan. Since I got pregnant with the twins, I burn really easily.

I went out with my Mom on Sunday and she finally got to feel Emily move as we were watching a movie (Emily had the hiccups). We also went shopping bought Emily some more clothes. We found such cute things. I don't have them with me as she took them home, so I don't have any pictures yet. However, my Mom has been busy on her own and gave me these clothes that she has collected over the last few weeks (and there are more she hasn't given me yet).

She also found a dress that my Grandmother knit for me and I wore as a baby. She is washing it and then, hopefully, I will be able to dress Emily in it.

This past weekend was a long weekend and it was so nice to have an extra day to relax. I bought a few more maternity clothes and I might have enough to get through the summer now. I visited Jessie at the gallery on Friday afternoon and had some belly rubs, then Jessie came to visit on Monday, with Mom and Laurie and the kids. It was nice spending time with all of them. Lindsay has gone to the Canary Islands and then Russia for work and will be back at the beginning of June. I'm having a 3D/4D ultrasound done this Saturday morning and she made me promise not to have a "DVD party" until she gets back.

I am so looking forward to the ultrasound. It has been 8 weeks since we've seen Emily. I'll definitely be posting pictures here after it.

And now for this week's self-portraits

At my desk today. My belly looks smaller here than it does
when I'm standing up.

I bought this skirt when I was pregnant
with Jacob, but never got the chance to
wear it. I love how this shirt hugs my belly.
This picture is a little blurry, but the belly isn't
and that's the most important part :)

My belly is so big now, it's hard to understand how my skin can stretch this much, and there is still 13 weeks to go (I hope!).

26 weeks and Boh's name!

2012-05-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

She weighs almost 2 lbs (I've gained 25!) and can open her eyes now.

I don't normally post bare-belly shots, but I feel like it today so here it is:

I don't get as scared now when she doesn't move around at night (well, I don't lie in bed awake worrying). I know that sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't and that is just her routine. Of course, on the nights when she doesn't, I count the minutes after getting up until she moves and it doesn't mean that I don't change position during the night just to encourage her. Some nights she moves around a lot after I get up to pee or change positions, other nights she doesn't. I prefer the nights that she does.

Her kicks are getting higher and higher. She hasn't gotten to my ribs yet, but she has gotten very close. Her favourite places seem to be the left or right side, about halfway up my belly. I also feel a lot of movement across the bottom, like little feet are going for a walk across it. I love it. There are also lots of wiggling movements and sometimes it feels like she is just lightly tapping and tickling me.

I can usually see her movements through my shirt and will sit on the GO train or subway, at my desk, in a meeting...wherever, watching my belly when she is active.

I have felt a hard spot a few times over the past week on the lower right side. I feel some pressure there, and when I feel it, there is a hard round surface. I don't know if it's her head or her bum, I'm guessing her head. I love when it happens. Ted has felt it a few times. It is so amazing.

I have had to pee a lot more often over the past week. I don't have the stabbing pain that I had near my cervix when I was about 4 months pregnant, but I do get lots of bladder kicks and internal kicks. When she kicks my bladder I realize that it's good I pee so often because if she gave me one of those big kicks when my bladder is full it might be awkward if I'm somewhere and don't have a change of clothes. It hasn't happened yet, but I won't be surprised when/if it does.

I have also been more tired over the past week, falling asleep in the GO train more often and on the couch around 10pm most nights. I just love falling asleep on the couch for some reason.

I got some silly advice this week from a coworker - not to walk up or down stairs. I live in a 2 story house, I go out in public. They are kind of unavoidable and I usually choose to take them so I'm get some kind of exercise, as little as it it. This person also told Ted a few months after Jacob died that I walked too much when I was pregnant with him (I didn't walk any extreme distance...not even close. Maybe 30 minutes a day total). I don't know how going up and down stairs is supposed to make any difference if I'm not on bedrest. It was just one of those funny, kind of aggravating, things (especially since she acted like we did something wrong by walking when I was pregnant with Jacob).

I went to the HR person at work to discuss my vacation time and maternity leave and got some good news. I discovered before going to see her that I have a lot of vacation time (25 days) saved up and I will still earn vacation days while on maternity leave. Because I will be on maternity leave, the carry over rules won't apply to me, so I can carry everything over until the end of my maternity leave and basically have more than a year off. So I've decided to work until the end of July, rather than the week before my due date (I'll be huge, taking the train to and from work everyday and it will be hot). Because we get half-day Fridays in the summer, it will be 12.5 vacation days if the baby doesn't come early. If she does, then maternity leave starts right away but I can use the vacation days at the end of my leave). I haven't told the directors in my department when I'm going to stop working yet, but will soon.

I had a nice lunch with Jennifer, Angel's Mom. She was so sweet and bought me something for my birthday and for Boh.

She gave the statue in the middle. Jacob is on
the right, Boh on the left.

I've had some emotional moments over the past week. Something will set me off, something silly, and I will end up crying in our bedroom for a few minutes, always because I miss Jacob. In a way it feels good to cry for him again, as it happens much less often than it used it. The pain of losing him was and is terrible, but it isn't as close to the surface as it used to be. When it does surface again, it feels good, it makes me feel closer to him.

My belly has a bit more bounce to it now, which I especially notice when coming down stairs and I find myself holding it and giving it some support. I've had some heartburn the past few nights, the worst I've had yet, and I couldn't lie down on the couch to sleep because of it so I fell asleep partially propped up with a pillow. Grapes do wonders for heartburn (as do ice cream sandwiches, which are my first choice, but I try to make the healthy choice once in a while).

I took some pictures over the past week at work. Our elevators have mirrors on three walls and of course I look at my belly every single time I'm in there. So I figured I should take some pictures in there.

I had to take the picture quickly in case anyone else
got on the elevator. I didn't want to get caught.
I don't think I'll be wearing this sweater much longer.

It's blurry, and came out black and white, but my
belly looks huge!

We were at a grocery store last week and a woman saw my belly and said "oohhh, you look so cute!" I loved it :)

My belly button hasn't popped out yet, but is getting flatter. It doesn't look like it is going to happen soon, but who knows. I have a scar under it from a surgery I had when I was 5 months old. Usually it's not very visible, but it looks longer than before as it gets more stretched out.

My birthday was last Friday. I hadn't been dreading it like I did last year, but I did feel moments of sadness throughout the day since Jacob isn't here.The same thing with Mother's Day, when I was asked by the waiter at the restaurant if this is my first. I just said yes, then said quietly after he left "my first to make it this far".

Anyway, back to my birthday. I got so many nice messages and phone calls and cards.I received this really cute shirt from Allison.

The shirt I received is brown with a pink heart....
it's in the wash, so that why I'm posting this one.

I knew that Ted was working on something for my birthday, but didn't really know what other than it was a dinner. I had mentioned that I would love to have an iPad, but didn't think that I would really get it since they are so expensive. Well, I did get one. Turns out that Ted met Lindsay at lunch last Tuesday and bought it. He knew that if he kept it, he would give it to me before we even got home that day, so he told Lindsay to bring it home. She did, and spent a lot of time adding apps to it so that I'd have them to use right away. When we were all at the restaurant, I could tell that Ted was really excited about something and couldn't wait for it to happen. Lindsay and Jessie had to come from Toronto, so they got there a bit later than we did and he couldn't barely stand the wait. Pretty quickly they handed me a wrapped box and I hoped, but still didn't really expect it to be the iPad. I was so happy and touched and felt so loved. I know it's just an item, but people went to a lot of trouble to get it and everyone contributed to it and it just means a lot to me that they all did that and that they all came out for dinner.

Brian, Lindsay, me and my Mom. And Boh, or course :)
Brian rubbed my belly a lot.

Speaking of dinner, Ted played a little game on the way to the restaurant. He changed the time that we had to leave a few times, getting closer and closer to the time we were supposed to be there. So I started trying to figure out where he would be taking me, although I didn't tell him my guesses. I knew it had to be close by, but when we pulled out of the driveway, we went the opposite way to the restaurant I was thinking of and he laughed and laughed as he took me down side streets and around the block before driving in the direction of the restaurant. I just loved seeing him feeling so happy in the car, enjoying it so much.

Lindsay took me out for lunch on my birthday and said that Mom talks to her about Boh all the time, about how chubby her cheeks look in the ultrasound, how chubby my cheeks were when I was born. She said that Mom is just so excited and I know that Mom has been buying clothes here and there for her. She found the outfit that I was brought home from the hospital in and is washing it and getting it ready for Boh. It will be so cool to see her in it.

It might be a little weird, but I've been looking up pictures of babies born at 26 weeks to see what they look like. Most of the pictures I find are of babies in the NICU and although they are tiny, it's amazing to think that she is so big inside of me. She is getting close to 2 lbs now, according to all the weekly updates I read.

Last night I was trying to get her movements on video. As I watched one of the videos, I noticed some red lines across the bottom of my belly, low enough that I can't see them unless I'm using a mirror or taking a picture of them. I got Ted to look at them and he thinks they are stretch marks! I was so hopeful that I wouldn't get any. My Mom didn't get any and neither did my sister, so I thought the odds were in my favour. I hope that it was just some creases from the pants I was wearing and I think that was part of it because they aren't nearly as visible today, but Ted said he can still see some thin white lines. I'm not really complaining about them because I really don't care as long as Boh is ok.

We went to some garage sales on Saturday and we got Boh a few items and a cute rocking horse that will be perfect when she is about 2. It is made of wood with wool for the mane and tail. We went to Costco after and got her two sleepers and 2 outfits. I got home and did an inventory of all the clothes we have for her because I want to make sure that I don't keep buying a lot of items for one size and don't have enough of other sizes. I was just going to get one of the sleepers and outfits before (they come as a set), but I just couldn't decide so I got both.

These are onesies and hats my Mom bought for Boh.

One night when I was half asleep on the couch, Ted reached over to rub my belly and kiss it and started to take pictures of his hands on my belly.

I woke up more and took this picture. It was totally his idea. I
doubt he has seen it before on other blogs like I have.

Still reading? This is getting so long and I still have more to say!

We have seen a lot of bunnies in the backyard over the past 2 weeks or so, including some baby bunnies. I just love watching them. They remind me of Jacob. We've also seen some butterflies. We got home from work one day and we saw 5 butterflies in our side yard, two of which were flying around together (which we assigned as the twins). 5 butterflies, 5 lost babies. I love that Ted pointed them out to me and thought the same thing I did.

Here is an interesting belly picture, higher on the right side than the left as it has been since early in the pregnancy (it was higher on the left with Jacob). This is the best picture that I've been able to get of this.

She will usually kick me if there is something pressing on my belly....my waistband is putting even the tiniest bit of pressure or my arm is resting on it. She'll either kick my arm or kick somewhere else. But if she is awake and there is pressure on it, not matter how slight, she does what she can to get rid of it. I have to admit that sometimes I do it just to make her move when I haven't felt her for awhile.

Ok, onto belly videos. I try and I try and I try. For every 10 videos I take, I might get one with movement but it is so worth it when I do. My little trickster seems to know when the camera comes out as she often stops moving, or moves to the other side of my belly, even if I didn't have to move to get the camera (I keep it beside me at night just in case I get a good opportunity). She can also be kicking a lot and as soon as someone who has been waiting to feel her move puts their hand on my belly, she stops (although a few people have felt her).

Here are the best videos of the week.

May 12 - There is movement near my belly button in this one.

May 14 - It happens on the right side.

We decided on Boh's first name about a month ago and have been calling her it ever since. We have narrowed down her second name to one of two names.

Her first name is......

Emily

25 weeks!

2012-05-08T19:58:00.001-05:00

When I loaded the belly pictures from this morning onto the computer, I was shocked at how huge my belly is. I look at it hundreds of times a day, but I was still surprised. We also take pictures of my bare belly every week and I had to look at them a few times. I love how big I am. In some of them, I look like I am 8 months pregnant.

This picture was taken on May 3rd after my doctor's appointment and I can see a big difference between then and now.

I tried to get a video of her moving several times this week, but didn't, or at least not anything big enough to see well. She has a big moving session and I get the camera and she stops, even if the camera was within arms reach and I didn't have to move much to get it.

We saw a new kind of movement this week. Boh has been squirming around a lot and I have felt her changing position (and sometimes a little hard spot on one of my sides...head or bum?). I was sitting on the couch with my shirt pulled up the other day, which I do often because I love looking at my belly, and I saw a ripple from my right to left side. Ted was sitting a few feet away so we both stared at my belly and she did it again and we both saw it. It was so great.

Sometimes I wonder if, after Boh is in my arms, will I look back and wonder if I appreciated being pregnant enough? I was saying this to Ted last night and neither of us can see how we could be appreciating and enjoying it anymore than we are. I can't even put into words how happy this little girl makes us, how much I love rubbing my belly, looking down at it and looking at it in mirrors. Every movement I feel makes me smile. I wake up at night, go to the bathroom and lie in bed awake hoping to feel her move because I haven't felt it in a few hours and I miss it already.

I love walking down the street and seeing people look at my belly. I love sitting somewhere and rubbing my belly or at least feeling it on my arms. Each time I get dressed in the morning and changed at night, I look at my belly while I'm changing and then when I have the new shirt on.

My breasts are getting bigger and bigger. I have a few bras that were too big for me and had been put away. I got them out the other day and now one of them fits me perfectly and the other is too small!

More and more, she is kicking any area of my belly that has any pressure on it. At work last Wednesday I was reading something and resting my arm across my belly. She had been quiet for a little while and suddenly started kicking the exact spot where my arm was. I moved my arm to the other side and she started kicking there.

On Friday I was pressing on the upper right side of my belly without realizing it and she kicked or punched me 3 times in a row. I just had to try it again to see if it was a fluke and it wasn't, another 3 quick punches or kicks. I just loved it and I fall more in love with her everyday. Also on Friday, Ted had his hand on my belly and she was rubbing up against it. It was the cutest thing. He left his hand there and traced her movement on top of his finger. I didn't even feel it at the time, but I had my hand on my belly the next day and she started doing the same thing.

I've had a bit of tightening in my lower belly for the past week, but it isn't painful or regular and doesn't last long so it doesn't worry me (much). I mentioned it to Dr. A of course, and she said it's fine. It doesn't happen everyday.

My Mom is in a knitting group at church at there are a few women who ask about me all the time. One of them came to her last week and said that a day doesn't go by that she doesn't think about me and pray for me and the baby. I don't think that I've even ever met this woman.

I had my 6 month prenatal appointment last Thursday. Boh was so quiet that day. She didn't move around when I got up to pee and I felt some squirming in the morning, but no big movements. It didn't leave me in a panic, but I was worried. We had enough time to go home from work before my appointment, so I used the doppler and sure enough her heart rate was just fine. I even ate a bunch of chocolate that day, just trying to make her move but she didn't respond to it (she also didn't respond much to the 50g of sugar I had today when I went for the diabetes test. If 50g of sugar consumed in less than 5 minutes isn't going to get her moving, a few pieces of chocolate isn't going to).

My doctor's appointment went well on May 3rd. I gained 6 lbs from my appointment last month and they are happy with that. Jan put me in the "good" room as usual, which I always appreciate. Dr. A measured my belly (a first! I loved it) and we went through my questions. I always have them written out on a pad of paper which I have on the bed beside me and she has been looking at it and just reading the questions from there and answering them as she sets up the blood pressure cuff. She said that she likes that I come prepared like that.

I told her about some weird pressure that I had in my left calf last week. I was at work and had been sitting down for about an hour. I got up and felt a lot of pressure in my left calf. It wasn't pain, but it was intense pressure. My leg wasn't swollen or hard so although I thought about a blood clot, I thought it was more likely that I had been sitting funny and cut off the circulation a little. It was lunchtime so I walked around for an hour and it eventually started to feel better. It happened again, on a much smaller scale, the morning of my appointment (which was at 3:30pm) so I told her about it and we spent a lot of time discussing it. She said my leg felt fine (not hard) but blood clots usually appear in the left leg and she wanted me to get an ultrasound of my leg done. I thought she would just give me the requisition and I would make the appointment myself, but she gave it to Jan at the end of the appointment and asked her to call around for me. Jan got me into a place right away so we went straight from Dr. A's office to the vascular ultrasound clinic. I love that, even though she thought it was probably fine, they got didn't take any chances and got me into a place the same day. When we got to the ultrasound clinic, I was seen right away and the tech told me that I didn't have a blood clot.

I booked the 3D ultrasound for May 26th when I'll be almost 28 weeks pregnant. The woman who answered the phone said the usual time frame and that she prefers 29 weeks because they have a little bit more fat on their face, but we really don't want to wait another week.

My Mom and sisters are working hard on my baby shower. It is going to be on July 8th and they got together on Sunday to do some planning. I just have to get them a list of my friends to invite, which I'm working on. It's so surreal that I might get to have a baby shower! Ted and I went to Babies r us to register last night, another surreal moment and a fun one. I had a great time at babies r us but when I got home I was really emotional and cried upstairs for awhile....because we never got to do it with Jacob I think....then I cried because I felt guilty about crying. If Jacob had lived, we wouldn't have done the registry for Boh since I wouldn't have had another baby shower. Then I was mad at myself because I'm pregnant and she is doing well and I have so much to be grateful for and there I was crying. Oh the circles of joy and sorrow and guilt.

Last Friday I went to a specialty baby store in Toronto (Diapereez) and the owner spent about an hour showing me all of the types of cloth diapers. I'm going to register for those too, it's just too bad that her store isn't more central and that she doesn't have an online registry.

On Saturday night I went to see Mom perform in the Clarkson choir. It is the same choir that I was in last year, but felt too sick to go to rehearsals in January, February and March so I didn't join this year. I was looking forward to going and hearing the music, but I was also really looking forward to going there and seeing the other choir members with my big belly. Rita, who is one of the producers, saw me in the bathroom, grabbed my hand and hugged me and asked questions and asked me to "please, please, please" tell her when the baby is born. She has been asking about me since January and I think she knows my history. It was a really nice moment.

On Sunday I spent some time with 2 very good friends. We went for lunch, then visited Jacob's garden and then visited Jennah's resting place. It was nice bringing them to Jacob's place and nice to see Jennah's place. We had Karolina's bear there and took pictures of both places with her bear.
I wasn't sure if I should post about our visit on this blog or Jacob's blog, but I'm just putting it here. These two Mom's are so excited for Boh's arrival and so supportive and their strength amazes me. It hasn't even been a year since each had their babies and then had to say goodbye to them.

The yellow rose in the background is where Jacob is buried

To the right of the picture, you might be able to see a yellow rose. That's
where Jennah is buried.

Today Ted and I set up the tripod and finally took a picture of the 3 of us, our first family picture.

Is this your first?

2012-05-06T19:47:00.001-05:00

I'm getting that question more and more often and I don't like it. I don't know what to say. No matter how much I think about it, I can't think of an answer that I am happy with other than saying that I have 5 babies who have passed away. But I don't necessarily want to tell every single person who asks me this question that answer. I don't want to always be putting other people in the awkward position of how to respond when I say that. I find that when I do say some combination of one of the answers below, other than saying that this is my first, that I try to overcompensate for their awkwardness by saying that it was very difficult and then acting very cheerful. But if I don't tell them the truth, I have trouble making eye contact with them.

I've said yes to this question a few times...to the cashier at Second Cup, to the older woman who started talking to Ted and I in the baby section at Zeller's. Each time I've said yes, in my head I say "my first to bring home hopefully" or I say a little apology to Jacob, August, Cub and the twins.

Other times I've said no and would be happy to leave it at that, but I always get a follow-up question or comment. That I am an experience Mom then (I said that I wasn't really since my first was stillborn), or they ask how old my first is. This weekend I went to an open house at the school across the road from my house with Laurie, Andy and the kids. They ran into a couple who have a son Ben's age and we ended up walking around with them. I talked to the Dad a lot and the Mom a little. The complicating factor here was that the Mom is 5.5 months pregnant. We talked about which doctor we are both seeing and he told me about the bad birth experience they had with their first. Then he asked if this is my first. I said no and changed the subject, back to talking about the birth of their first son. Awhile later, out of earshot of his wife, he asked how old my first is. I said that he didn't make it, that he would have been 19 months old if he had. A look crossed over his face as he said how sorry he is and I could tell he felt terrible for asking. I said thank you and that I don't mind talking about him so I hope he doesn't feel bad for asking. I told him that I lost him when I was pregnant, that's why I had been reluctant to talk about him, since his wife is pregnant. That is about all that we said about that and we went on to discuss other things. But I felt bad for telling him at all. Why didn't I just say that this is my first to him?

Having had 3 miscarriages after a stillbirth presents another problem. I feel like if I say that my first was stillborn when answering the question, I'm being loyal to Jacob, but not to the babies I miscarried. But I don't really want to list all the babies I've lost to the average stranger. It's very personal and I'm very protective of them and of what has happened to me.

I told the photographer that we hire for events at work on Friday that this isn't my first when we were talking about how big I am. He is a very sweet and we get along great. He had such a good reaction when I told him that my first was stillborn, saying how sorry he was and that his older brother was stillborn. He asked if we were going to have more kids and I said that we'd like to, but just don't know. It took us so long to get to this point (I also told him that I've had 3 miscarriages), what if it takes this long again (and so many other what ifs). At the end of our conversation, he said that he considers this baby my 5th child (I didn't mention that one of the miscarriages was twins). But I love that he acknowledged that I have so many kids.

This morning I was at the grocery store and as the clerk was wrapping up some flowers I bought, she asked the same question. Is this your first? I said no, she's my second but my first girl. Then I felt terrible because she isn't my first girl, August and/or Cub might have been girls and the twins were. She said that I have the million dollar family. I just smiled and was glad when I was done there and could leave.

It doesn't seem to matter how many times I'm asked, I always hesitate and make a split second decision on how I'm going to answer and either way I end up feeling bad. Bad for not acknowledging my first baby and/or my second, third, fourth and fifth babies and bad for making another person uncomfortable when they have asked what they think is an innocent question.

For those who are pregnant with their rainbow or who have had their rainbow baby, how did you answer this question?

24 weeks!

2012-05-01T20:52:00.000-05:00

I get to say that I'm 6 months pregnant now! I love it! It's one more new thing that I get to do with this baby that I never got to do with Jacob, August, Cub or the twins. I love when someone asks me how far along I am and I can say 6 months. I love that Boh is kicking away as I write this.

There are many times when I look at myself in the mirror or look down and can't believe how lucky I am. I hug my belly, tell Boh how much I love her and just feel so incredibly grateful.

I've taken a few pictures of the belly this week. I hate to let a day or two go by without a picture. In the back of my mind I worry that if I don't do it and then something bad happens, it will always bother me that I didn't.

I love that it still looks so big, even when I'm lying on the couch

We have been able to see Boh's movements from the outside for several weeks now, but I've never managed to get them on video. I finally did last Thursday and again on Sunday.

You'll see her kick in the first few seconds of the video.

I get up to pee twice a night. Some nights when I get back into bed, Boh starts kicking away for a few minutes and I don't go back to sleep until she stops because I don't want to miss any of it. On the nights when she doesn't kick after I get back into bed, I worry a little (ok, I worried a lot and got up to use to doppler) but it has happened a few times now so I know that I can't count on her moving around every time. She hasn't woken me up yet. She is definitely far more active during the day than she is in the evening and overnight (I think, she might move a lot over night, but I'm a pretty sound sleeper, when I actually manage to sleep - hard to stay on left side all night, starting to have more trouble taking a deep breath, vivid dreams). Some evenings she is quieter than others, and then she is more active than usual the next day.

I've started falling asleep on the couch more often. I woke up one night at 11 and felt really nauseous. I had a few crackers and felt much better and I'm happy that that hasn't happened again after a nap.

She has the hiccups more often, but not everyday, at least that I have felt. She kicked me so hard on Friday, that it actually hurt and pain ran down the right side of my belly.

I haven't had much itchiness, but the skin at the sides of my belly feels really tight sometimes. I got my first nosebleed of the pregnancy on Friday, but it wasn't very bad. I went to the dentist on Friday for a cleaning (no cavities, phew! I really didn't want to have to worry about a filing when pregnant). I saw a new dental hygienist and we talked about the baby and her sister, who has an 8 year old but has had 3 miscarriages since then, including a blighted ovum. I told her about my pregnancy history and we had a lot to talk about. After my appointment, as I was waiting for the elevator, a woman noticed my belly and asked when I'm due. When I said August, she said that she has an August baby. We kept talking and it turns out that her son was born at 26 weeks and is now 12 years old and just fine. It's funny how strangers just start talking away when they see I'm pregnant.

We got to do something last weekend that I have been wanting to do for 2 years - we went to the Babytimes show. I really wanted to go when I was pregnant with Jacob, but we couldn't as we were in the middle of trying to sell the condo and something came up and we couldn't go. We didn't go last year, of course, since I wasn't pregnant. So I had built this up for 2 years and was really looking forward to it.

It was good and I enjoyed it and I got some good deals and lots of good information. A black woman walked up to Ted (she was with a white guy) and told him that there is a booth there for cord blood donation (since we are both having mixed babies, she wanted to come and tell him - those of mixed heritage have a really hard time of finding a match so it's great if we can donate it). It is the only company in Ontario that does it right now. I was so happy she approached us. If we don't store Boh's cord blood, I really want to donate it. So we went to the booth and got the information. They said the hospital I'll be delivering at is really cooperative so it shouldn't be a problem.

We found out more information about strollers, I bought 4 bottles that I'll use when I pump for a really good deal, as well as some other odds and ends. I ran into Lisa there, which was nice and kind of amazing since there were so many people there.

It surprised me, but sometimes when I saw a pregnant woman (and they were everywhere), I would get the same old pain in my chest that I did before I got pregnant. Sometimes I felt jealous and would tell myself how silly that was because I am pregnant too. Old habits maybe? It happened a few times. I also know that I wasn't the only one there who has had losses. Lisa has and out of all the pregnant women there, there must have been more of us.

I filled out ballots for a few things (strollers, 3D ultrasound, package of baby supplies). Many of them asked if this is my first child and I always said no. But I wonder if I might not win because they'll think I already have the basic supplies (and I kind of do since I'm getting a lot of stuff from Laurie). When I was buying the bottles, the saleswoman asked if this is my first. I said no and she said "oh, so you're an experienced Mom". I said that I'm not really since my first was stillborn and I just feel bad saying that this baby is my first when she isn't. She said that it's good not to forget the first one, in a very cheerful voice, but at least she didn't say something stupid.

We went to Vaughan Mills after and I bought Boh some things from Old Navy (love the clearance rack there!)

Because I document everything about this pregnancy, I took some pictures of the things we got from the baby show and the new clothes from Old Navy.

Lots of reading material

I paid half price for the hats and mitts. I don't know if
I'll really even need the car seat cover, but it was $2.66. I saw
it in Babies R'Us the next day for $26.99!

I bought this at the baby show and I also bought 2 cloth diapers from my sisters
friend. I just don't have them yet.

I saw the navy coat at Old Navy before we knew that Boh was a girl.
I really wanted it then, but was also scared to buy things. When
I went back to look for it, it was gone. Found this one at another
location and grabbed it the second I saw it (good thing too because
another Mom was eyeing it in my hands!). I got all of these
items for less than $10

Ok, I think that's it for the pictures.

We went to a few stores to do more stroller research on Sunday (we were so exhausted after the baby show on Saturday). We've decided to go with the City Select. It is so versatile. The seat is reversible, it can be placed higher or lower on the frame and there is the option of adding another seat, in case we have another one. It also folds really easily and the seat doesn't need to be removed in order to fold it, as some other strollers with reversible seats require. While we were at one baby store, 2 other couples came to get the same stroller (we are going to the US to get it as we can save about $100 between the stroller and the car seat adaptor).

Ted has done a few adorable things this week. He doesn't love musicals (I do). He saw a commercial for the musical Beauty and the Beast and told me that he will take Boh there. I started talking about us all going and he said that it's just something for them to do together (at a musical of all things, I've never been able to get him to go to one!)

We've decided to put a wall decal of a tree in her room. I've been looking at some online and some in the different baby stores we've gone to. Today he sent me several emails of ones he found online and told me which one his favourite is. I love that he is getting so excited for her.

I've also been getting more and more scared over the past week. Thoughts just creep in about all the things that can go wrong. Boh has reached viability, but what if she doesn't make it out in time. What if she does, but still dies. Sometimes these thoughts are overwhelming. Then she starts squirming around and kicking me (as she has been doing for the entire time it's taken to write this....more than an hour!) and gives me a lot of reassurance and I know that ultimately it is not in my hands. I've had more cervical fluid in the past week. Nothing concerning and I wouldn't even think about it if I wasn't pregnant, but I've had 3-4 bathroom runs over the past few days. I can hardly stand it until I can go and check, but once I get there I pull down my pants really slowly because I'm so scared that there will be blood. This happened at the baby show and I decided on the way to check that if it was blood, we'd drive to Mount Sinai even though my doctor isn't there. I started to tell Ted this after I checked (I never tell him that I'm going to check because why scare him too) and he didn't want to talk about the "what if". It scares him too much.

I'm going to see Dr. A on Thursday. I've never had a 6 month prenatal appointment before. Another first!

So today I am 24 weeks and 1 day pregnant and so grateful. Today is 23 months since Jacob was born, just one month away from 2 years. I wrote a post tonight over on Jacob's blog too.

23 weeks

2012-04-24T20:56:00.002-05:00

Weighs about a pound now!

No big scares this week, which has been nice. Boh had 2 quiet days, one on Wednesday and one on Saturday, but I felt her squirming around enough that I didn't panic. Then she moved around like crazy the days after the quiet days. I did use the doppler when I got home from work on Wednesday and I don't think she liked that at all. I lay on the floor while using it and within seconds of putting it on my belly, she kicked me several times really hard just to the right of the wand and it made me laugh, but I stopped doing it as soon as I could hear her heartbeat clearly. It is getting harder and harder to do that because I always pick up my heartbeat at the same time as hers and the other various sounds from my belly.

One really cute thing that she has started doing in the past week (everything she does is cute) is that when I get up to pee at night and get back into bed, she will often start moving around and kicking a lot for a few minutes. She also started doing that when I switch sides, which isn't often because I stay on my left side as long as I can stand it. I gave in and lay on my right side for a while last night and just after I settled, it felt like she was walking across the bottom of my uterus. Now every time I get up to pee or shift positions at all, I hope that she will start moving.

Two people at work said that my belly got bigger over the weekend and one said that it is higher and the other said that it is rounder. I've been feeling Boh's kicks above my belly button for the past few days. It's so hard to believe that not so long ago, my uterus wasn't any higher than my pubic bone (and it could take 30 minutes to find her heartbeat then) and now she is kicking and punching me above my belly button.

I've been finding for a few weeks that it is far more comfortable to sit down when putting on socks and shoes. Putting on underwear and pants isn't hard yet, but it isn't as easy as it once was. If I reach with my left hand to my right side, or vice versa, it is getting harder and harder to reach. I'm still knitting a lot, but I have to adjust how I hold my arms a little so they aren't always pressed against my belly.

I wore 2 maternity blouses for the first time in the past week.

Lindsay gave me this blouse for my birthday in May 2010. I didn't get a chance to wear it out when I was pregnant with Jacob as I wasn't quite big enough yet, although I do have some pictures of me in it when pregnant with him. So it was really exciting to wear it to work. So exciting that I did some self-portraits at my desk.

Forgive the lighting and angle. I had the camera propped up
on my hard drive and was using the timer.

Here I am in the same shirt in May 2010, about 16 weeks pregnant with Jacob.

The shirt made my belly look bigger than it actually was
at the time.

I also wore this blouse to work on Friday.

I had planned to start wearing it to work the week that Jacob died. Obviously that didn't happen. I tried it on about 2 weeks ago and it just seemed a little bit big. I tried it on again Friday morning and it is almost too small! I might be able to wear it for another week or two.

I enjoy being pregnant so much. I am always rubbing my belly. When I walk around Toronto during my lunch hour, I look at my reflection in the store windows and can't help but smile. A few nights ago, as I was rubbing my belly, Ted said how happy he is that I get to have this again and that I can enjoy it so much. Last night he also said that he is still really scared. We are so happy and excited, but the fear is always lurking.

I think that manifests in my dreams a lot. I've had several dreams that I'm bleeding and I panic and start crying. I had one the other night that was so real, I was surprised when I woke up and I wasn't sobbing like I was in my dream.

My belly hasn't been really, really itchy at any time, but I do feel painful tightness on my sides quite often (nowhere near my uterus), which I assume is from stretching (it feels the same as when you are really, really bloated). I don't have it every day, usually every second day for a few hours.

I've started falling asleep on the couch again at night around 10pm and I feel more tired during the day.

I ended up buying Boh a bunch of clothes on Sunday. I was in a store where they had 40% off clearance, just the kind of sale I always look for. I was with my Mom, Laurie and the boys and we had so much fun picking out clothes. Last night I went in the basement and pulled out all the clothes I've collected over the years and sorted them by age. I have 2 big bags of clothes, and that doesn't even include the pants I've knit or the clothes my sister will be giving me that her boys used (lots of onesies and pajamas). She also has lots of baby gear for us. I'm so excited to get my hands on it all.

Jessie surprised me with a visit at work yesterday and I suggested that we just go to The Bay, which is across the street from my office, and look at clothes. Well, there was a sale. She bought Boh an adorable jumper and some socks and I ended up buying her a few things too. It was fun.

It surprises me that I am buying so much for Boh, but I'm just in a good place emotionally most of the time and want to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I possibly can. That being said, none of the clothes have had the tags removed.

Tonight I went through them again and took pictures of them by size. There are a few items that I've knitted over the years (I have always loved knitting things for babies. They are so cute and don't take as long as knitting a sweater for an adult). I've also collected a few items over the years while travelling.

0-3 months. Jessie bought outfit on the left. It has a big heart on the bottom.

3-6 months. I bought the outfit on the left and the shirt and pants
on the right after my hysterosalpingogram in January 2011
when the result was much better than expected and I was feeling very
optimistic. I bought the outfit on the second from the left when I was pregnant with the twins
(before I knew it was twins). I thought the baby would fit into it during the Olympics this summer.
The other outfit is the one from Sarita, which has appeared on this blog before.

6 months

6-9months. I bought the 2 sets on the left on Sunday and
the giraffe set on Monday with Jessie. I couldn't resist the
stripped pants. The other pants I bought from Betsy (as well as the
cute white and pink dress in the first clothes picture).

9 months. My Mom picked the outfit on the left (I'm going to take the pink
frilly material off), I made the sweater a few
years ago and I bough the outfit on the right after the good
test result in January 2011.

6-12 months. Some bought on Sunday, 2 bought after the
good test result in January 2011.

About 18 months. Not too sure about the 4 items on the left.
Bought the onesie with Jessie yesterday (it's hard to see here,
but it has fish on it and we bought some socks that match
it. Bought the dress in Austria 12 years ago (!), made the black sweater, hat, and
purple dress several years ago.

About 24 months. Made both sweaters years ago. I still
need to add buttons to the sweater at the top.

About 3 years old. Bought the dress years ago in Austria and
made the butterfly outfit 5-6 years ago.

The rest. Carrie sent the bows in the middle. Thanks Carrie!

22 weeks!

2012-04-17T20:02:00.003-05:00

My belly measures 38 inches just below my navel, the
biggest part right now.

The nerve endings in her fingers have developed her sense of touch.
She's in there testing out her newfound abilities by touching her face and
grabbing the umbilical cord. Her brain is developing quickly this week and will
continue to do so until she is 5 years old. Her hair is now a short, bright white
crop as it lacks pigment right now. Her eyes also lack pigment at this point.
She has been growing taste buds and may be able to detect strong flavours in
the amniotic fluid. She weighs almost a pound and measures almost 11 inches.
She is proportioned like a newborn, albeit thinner as she needs to develop fat. Her pancreas is developing steadily.

Boh is getting so active and I can't get enough of it. The past few days when I woke up at night, I would feel her moving around and would lie in bed with my hand on my belly soaking in every moment. I still can't believe how lucky I am to have her. I'm feeling more and more moving sessions a day. Her kicks are really obvious and I even felt hiccups last Thursday. Today as I was getting ready for a shower, I stopped in front of the full-length mirror in my bra and underwear and couldn't stop staring at my belly.

Now 4 people have felt her move from the outside, me, Ted, Jessie and my friend Mel. Lindsay and Sheila have both tried, but she got quiet as soon as they put their hand on my belly. We'll keep trying.
Every Monday when my colleagues see me, they say that I have grown over the weekend. I love it.

I checked tonight to see if I'm making any milk yet and I am! I don't know when it started because I haven't checked for a few weeks, but I got several drops from the left and none from the right (funny, since I got it from the right with Jacob, and hardly any from the left).

I noticed a few days ago that my ankles are slightly swollen.

I have been eating chocolate like I'm never going to get it again for the past week.

I was talking to my Mom the other day and we were talking about Boh's ultrasound picture and how it looks like she has big cheeks. She asked if Jacob's picture looked like that (it didn't, he had big lips and high cheekbones). I love that she just brings Jacob up in casual conversation and there is nothing awkward about it.

I also met with another baby loss Mom last week who is also pregnant. We haven't seen each other in a bout a year and we were both in very different places when we met then. It was so nice getting together this time and we both have so much hope now.

I was in the elevator with another woman at work who is pregnant, a week ahead of me. My belly is so much bigger than hers. It's her first, my 5th pregnancy so that probably makes a difference, but still. It didn't worry me. I actually liked it a little, I love having this big belly.

I was knitting over the weekend and had to use a spare needle for a certain stitch. When I wasn't using it, I stored it on the top of my belly and it stayed there just fine without rolling off :)

I took some random pictures over the past week.

Reflection of my belly in the computer at work, with pictures of
2 of my babies in front. Jacob on the left, Boh on the right.

My view

Ted and a group of friends bought seasons tickets to the Raptors this year, so we've been to about 5 games. At the first game, I was pregnant but wasn't showing and we talked about how we will be there one day and I will have a big belly. I had to have a picture when that day came.

It's a little blurry. We'll bring her to a game next year
and get a picture of us holding her.

When we got home from work one day, there was a package at the front door with gifts for Boh and one for the twins. Thank you Sarita! I just love them all and Boh is going to look so cute in them. I can't wait! This was so sweet of you!

For the twins

Ted and I also bought Boh a sleeper and a sweater dress over the weekend. It feels so good to get things for her.

There has been some talk about a baby shower for the past few weeks and I've decided to go ahead and have one, rather than skipping it altogether or having one after Boh is born and is a few months old. I'm just enjoying every day that I have with this little girl and I want the full experience (still not without worry of course, I did use the doppler this week when she had a quiet day). It is going to be in July, most likely the 22nd as it is the only day we can book the party room at my Mom's friends condo before the August long weekend. After that it will be pretty close to my due date. . There are so many baby loss Mom friends that I want to invite, but I know that going to a baby shower if they haven't had a rainbow baby yet might be really difficult, especially given the date for one person in particular, since it will be the day before the 1st birthday of her little girl (D). So, if you are reading this and want to come, please let me know. I don't want to have an invitation sent to you in case it will make you feel bad. I know I probably wouldn't be ready to go to one now, almost 23 months after Jacob was born, if I wasn't pregnant.

21 weeks, 1 day

2012-04-10T20:55:00.002-05:00

I've had 4 ultrasounds now that put my turnover day as Mondays and one, the first one, that puts it on Tuesdays (which also coincides with the day I ovulated). I've decided that I'll consider Mondays as my turnover day. Boh is measuring a few days ahead anyway, so it all makes sense. We will still do belly pictures on Tuesdays, since that is what we've done from the beginning.

I have dreamed and wished to be 21 weeks pregnant for so long. It feels really great to be here. I learn more about Boh everyday. She moves so much and that is really reassuring to me and Ted. The times when she hasn't moved for 3 hours have me worried, but then she wakes up and moves and moves and moves. Now I can feel her on one side of my belly and then I quickly feel her on the other side. The past few days, she has been most active in the mid-late morning and I can almost always feels her kicks from the outside. I can also see them sometimes. I haven't been able to get it on video yet, but I'm working on that.

There are some days when I look down at my belly and can see how it grew from the previous day. That has happened twice in the past week.

I finished a sweater for Boh when I was 20 weeks, 5 days pregnant and I finished the booties yesterday.

I have been feeling really tired the past few days and falling asleep on the couch at night again. I still don't sleep that well because I get up twice a night to pee and I try to stay on my left side all night, which gets uncomfortable. Sometimes I give in and roll over to my right side for a little while.

The heartburn is getting worse, but isn't terrible. I've had the hiccups several times over the past few days.

I spoke to the HR director today about mat leave. It was more of a general conversation had by chance when she walked by my desk and came back to comment on how much I've grown. It was nice to get the opportunity to do that as I never did when I was pregnant with Jacob.

I'm getting more serious about getting my desk in order for when I go on leave. Bringing odds and ends home, cleaning out my inbox.

I am still scared. I still run to the bathroom to make sure I haven't started bleeding, last night I felt a sharp pain in my right side, just about where my placenta is, when I got up and it lasted for 15 minutes and I had just about convinced myself that something terrible had happened and we would have to go to the hospital when it just went away. But mostly we just enjoy every moment.

I think we have decided on her first name and I'm excited about it. I'll post it here sometime, but not quite yet. We are still deciding on her middle names, but we are close to that decision.

This morning I was talking to Ted about strollers and he said he would do some research when he got to work. I got several emails with links to different strollers, and then an email that said "this is the one". The BOB Revolution SE. It is expensive, but it does have a lot of nice features. Now we'll see if we can get a good deal on it somewhere.

I've been keeping a journal since I found out I was pregnant. I write in it everyday, with all the minute details. I hope that Boh will like reading them, and this blog, someday.

I bought an ipod app for counting kicks. I know it's early, but I love doing it and I feel her move so often that it doesn't take me long to reach 10 kicks in less than an hour. Sometimes in less than 10 minutes. If I'm sitting down somewhere, I generally have my ipod nearby and I count kicks whenever she starts.

Ted and I were in a Zeller's, in the baby section, on the weekend and an older woman was there too. She asked if this is our first baby and, after hesitating for a second, I said yes. In my head, I said "our first to bring home". I didn't feel really guilty about it and it was nice not too. We ended up talking to her for about 20 minutes. She gave us advice, told us about her childhood and an anecdote when her kids were really young. She asked if the baby is a boy or a girl and did a little dance when I said girl. She talked about what a Daddy's Girl she'll be, which I'm sure will be the case. She hugged both of us and then moved on. We walked by the baby section a few minutes later and she was talking to another woman there who was pushing a stroller. It was cute. I don't know if that sort of thing happens a lot when pregnant, but it was nice.

I could write more, but I am tired. We had a long trip home tonight as there was a long delay on the GO train, we ended up getting on a street car to get to a GO station where shuttle buses were running from. Luckily my Mom saw news of the delay reported on TV, called my Dad and told him to pick us up. So we got off the streetcar early, met him and he drove us back to Oakville. So it took almost 3.5 hours to get home, but the important thing is we made it safely. We did have waffles (with blueberries, so still healthy) for dinner, but I justified that by eating a Quinoa salad with avocado after.

Weighing in at 13 to 14 ounces, and measuring 17.5 centimeters crown-to-rump, your baby is now busy putting fat onto those bones. She will grow to about twice the length she is now, but will gain weight 12-fold. Most likely, you have felt your baby's in-utero gymnastics. With lots of amniotic fluid providing room to move, your baby will be very active.

More pregnant than I have ever been and a gift for Boh

2012-04-08T16:59:00.001-05:00

I have finally reached this point. I am now more pregnant that I have been and it feels good. It feels so good.

It is reassuring, and a little scary, all at the same time. Reassuring in so many ways. This little girl is so strong. Her kicks amaze me. Ted has been feeling her kicks on the outside for over a week and a few nights ago, we could both see them. I had my arm across my belly yesterday and after a few minutes, I felt squirming and a few light kicks on it. Today Jessie (my sister) felt Boh move.

Jacob never kicked me this strong. My friend asked me the other day if she is kicking more or if I'm just better at distinguishing kicks since this is my second pregnancy to get this far. I wasn't sure of the answer to that when her kicks got more frequent and stronger a few weeks ago, but I starting at 19 weeks or so, I definitely felt her more than I felt Jacob and Boh's kicks are stronger than Jacob's ever were. It makes sense, since Jacob only really had one good foot. It makes me cringe to think that he might have experience pain when he tried to kick me with the other one.

We were also talking about how special our first babies are. Even though they didn't survive, they will always be our first and we had so many experiences with them and those firsts will always belong to them. Of course, all of our children will be special for different things. Now that I've reached this stage of pregnancy, I'm having so many new experiences with Boh that I never got to have with Jacob and she will be my"first" for so many experiences. She already has been. It really started about a week ago as Boh is already about week older than Jacob ever got to be. It is exciting to be in unchartered territory with her.

I finished my first knitted item for Boh yesterday, at 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I didn't aim to finish it at the same stage of pregnancy that Jacob was born at, it just worked out that way. I like that it did.

I got to meet with some of my babyloss Mom friends over the past week. It doesn't seem right to call them my babyloss Mom friends because they are more than that. They are just my good friends, we just happen to meet because our babies are friends in Heaven.

I met one for lunch, then 2 for dinner on Wednesday and I got such a nice surprise on Wednesday night. They had brought me gifts. There were 2 pink roses, from their girls to my girl. I almost cried. They also gave me a beautiful card and the most adorable Teddy Bear for Boh, which I just love. It's her first Teddy Bear and I can't wait to see her holding it. It is so soft and has a little bell in it's tail. It is just perfect. I look at the flowers and the bear several times a day and think of how lucky I am.

I've been writing that phrase a lot lately. How lucky I am. I felt anything but lucky when we found out that Jacob had died. Fortunate that I had him at all, fortunate for my family and friends and my house and food and jobs. But not lucky. My baby died. How could I feel lucky? Then I had 3 miscarriages over the next 13 months. I knew I was fortunate to be able to get pregnant again on my own, but they just kept telling me I was having bad luck, there was no explanation for why it kept happening to me.

But now I have Boh and I truly feel lucky again. I have all these friends I never would have met if I hadn't had Jacob. Life certainly hasn't been as I expected it to be, but it is still a good life. A good life with lots of happiness and lots of sorrow and a heart that is also aching a little bit, but a good life nonetheless. And with Boh here now, it gets better everyday. With every kick it gets better. With every second, minute, hour and day that goes by and we get closer to bringing her home, it gets better.

5 month appointment, another hurdle crossed and pictures!

2012-04-05T20:56:00.005-05:00

Today was my 5 month appointment with Dr. A and it went great! We have felt so good all day because of it. It is such a relief because this was the appointment where we found out that Jacob had died. Today the eve of being the same amount pregnant as I was on the worst day of my life (I've written a post on my other blog about that).

Back to the appointment. I used the doppler before leaving for work and found her heartbeat.

I love that when I get to her office, Jan, the nurse, knows my name and says "Hi Dana" and to everyone else that arrived while we were there, she asked their names. Even to the women that were at least 2-3 months ahead of me and have been there more than me in the past several months. She always remembers not to put me in the room that I was in when I found out about Jacob.

Dr. A came in and said how relieved she and Jan were when they got the ultrasound report and it was completely normal. She said they don't normally call with the results when they are normal, but I was one patient that they just had to call.

I didn't act worried in the appointment, I was cheerful, etc. I asked her about a few things (the tightening I feel sometimes, the pain in my cervix - she called it 'knife in the vagina' - and the pain in the back of my pelvis. All normal she said.

She checked for Boh's heartbeat and I closed my eyes as she looked for it. The second I heard it I opened them and smiled at her and she was smiling back at me.

Towards the end she asked me to do her a favour and enjoy the rest of the pregnancy, that this appointment was a big hurdle (I didn't mention anything about that) and that she believes it makes a difference to the baby not to be stressed and she totally understands why we would be really worried, but that I shouldn't have to anymore, we have been through enough, etc. I said that we are enjoying it, how strong her kicks are and how Ted has already felt them from the outside. She said that it's because she's a girl and girls are cooperative (joking about that). I was going to ask for a copy of the ultrasound report from the nurse after the appointment. As we left, Dr. A said she feels like she's forgetting something, then asked if I wanted a copy of the report since I usually do (I've only asked for a copy once before, but I always ask lots of questions). I said I did and got one.

We went to the hospital before the appointment and I got a CD of the pictures from the ultrasound last week. Here are some more pictures of our beautiful girl.

Brain

Crossed legs

Hand

Left foot

Profile

Right foot

Nose and lips

I posted this, then lay on the couch on my left side. Boh got really active around 10:10pm and kicked me several times on the lower right side. I felt several from the outside, then Ted did. The kicks were so strong, that I started watching my belly and now I've seen several!. It is so amazing!

20 weeks!

2012-04-03T17:59:00.004-05:00

The past week has been really good, but also nerve-wracking. I feel Boh move more everyday, which is beyond amazing. Her kicks and movements are getting so strong. I’ve lost track of how many times Ted and I have felt her movements from the outside. I love feeling her wiggling around in there, I love resting my hand on my belly and being rewarded with a nice big kick that I feel from the outside. I love looking at my belly, I love rubbing it, I love when Ted and kisses it, I love feeling it on the sides of my arms, I love getting too big to wear my regular clothes, I love walking down the street and seeing people look at my belly. I could go on and on. I’m not taking a second of this for granted.

Boh’s movements used to be mostly on the lower left side of my belly. Now she can kick on the left and within seconds I feel another strong move on the right. I felt my first kick closer to the top of my uterus yesterday. I was driving on Sunday and felt such a strong kick in the middle of my belly that it startled me. Then she did it again. I couldn't stop smiling.

I don’t use the Doppler as much now, but still have twice in the past week. Yesterday I found her heartbeat right away, but it is getting harder to find just her heartbeat without mine also being picked up, or without picking up other loud sounds that the doppler has trouble giving me her heartrate. Boh still doesn’t seem all that happy with me using it, as she moves away and I have to go searching for it again. Yesterday it took me about a minute to find it again and I started to get really worried, even though I had just heard it briefly. When I have finally got a really clear sound, it has been measuring in the 150s.

Sleep is getting harder. I will only sleep on my left side, since it's best for the baby, but it gets uncomfortable. I have a pillow behind me to make sure I don't roll on my back (I never used to sleep on my back, now it's what I want to do the most), and a pillow between my knees. My left shoulder starts hurting after several hours, and sometimes my left hip. On weekends, when I sleep in an hour more than usual, my lower back hurts for an hour or so after getting up. That would worry me, but I know it's just because of my sleep position. Add in the getting up to pee twice a night and the problems taking a deep breath which have come back, but only at night, and I'm not sleeping all that well. Neither is Ted, since he is a light sleeper and wakes up every time I get up. When I get back into bed, he tucks the covers around me and makes sure that the pillow is against my back. I love when he does that.

I’ve had more bad dreams this week. I’ve had them the whole pregnancy, but they are getting worse. Two nights ago, in my dream, I had some bleeding and it was terrifying. I lay down on the couch right away and we were trying to figure out the fastest way to the hospital. Last night, my dream had me in a Children’s Hospital. I was still pregnant, but I hadn’t felt Boh move for awhile, so they admitted me for monitoring. They did an ultrasound and I saw her heart beating and felt so much better, but they didn’t want me to leave (which I was fine with).

These are the first dreams I've had about something bad happening in this pregnancy, and they are coming at the same time in the pregnancy that we lost Jacob, which was somewhere around 20 weeks and he was born at 20 weeks, 5 days. I have been particularly scared of this period of the pregnancy since entering the second trimester, and even before then. But, as with most things, the anticipation has been worse than actually living it has been. That being said, I didn’t feel much movement from her this morning and I got really, really scared. I tried eating and drinking and poking my belly lightly, but nothing. I know she has to sleep, but I’ve felt at least something in the morning for the past few days. And I didn’t feel her move at all during the night, as I have for the past few nights as well. She finally got active at noon and I feel much better now.

Yesterday, on the way home from work, I felt some fluid come out and of course was worried that it was blood. As soon as we got to the car, I checked and it wasn’t, but it was scary. It reminded me of bleeding with Jacob. It started with just a little, it felt the same as it did yesterday (except I didn’t have back pain yesterday). Anyway, all was well and my relief when I discovered it wasn't blood was overwhelming.

My appointment with Dr. A is in 2 days. It is within a day of the pregnancy stage that I was when we found out that Jacob had died. It is scary. But I have to remind myself that just because we found out bad news (to put it mildly) about Jacob at that appointment doesn’t mean the same thing will happen with Boh. Just the same, I will be glad when that appointment is over.

This Sunday, I will be more pregnant that I have ever been. Up until now, I’ve done it all before…the tests, the counting the weeks, reading the developmental milestones, the appointments (with a few extras this time). From Sunday on, it will be unchartered territory and it feels strange. Like I should read a book or something, but I know I won’t. I read the pregnancy books a lot with Jacob, I haven’t even held one in this pregnancy.

I went to church last week and the Assistant Minister did the sermon. She is pregnant and she talked about it a lot. About how she and her husband are reading parenting books, researching, etc. It hadn’t even occurred me that maybe I should read one. That I might be glad that I did. I still don’t think I will, but I found it interesting that it hadn’t occurred me to.

I've started knitting something for Boh and it feels so good doing it. I've knit lots of items for girls over the years, and I'm excited to use them, but this one will always be special because it's something that was made specifically for her. The first of many things I will make for her.

My sister called me earlier this week and asked if I wanted to go to a breastfeeding course in July. At first I said no, because it just scares me to prepare too much. But then I figured that I would, as long as she registered me and I didn’t do it myself (I know it doesn’t matter how I get registered, I just didn’t want to take the step myself). I told Ted about it and he is scared to go to any classes and we haven’t talked about it since, but I’ve thought about it and decided to go anyway. I intend to act as if I will breastfeed one day, and when I’m in the hospital or at home trying to do it, I might be really glad that I took it.

I also talked to my Mom and sister about a baby shower and whether it should be before or after Boh is born. I would only choose after to make sure that we actually get to bring her home, but I would also worry about her being around so many people when she is only 2 months old and whether she might pick up a cold or something from them. So I decided to have it before, at the end of July. I'm looking forward to it.

Once Ted told me, before I got pregnant with Boh and after losing Jacob, that we should just enjoy everything that pregnancy has to offer, because you just never know how long you have and if you will ever get the chance again. A few days ago, he also told me that he is scared…and happy…and scared, and it’s hard to live both ways. It is, but it is so worth it. Knowing that she is on her way, thinking of all the things we want to do with her, and show her and teach her, and feeling her kicking. It’s worth all the fear. It is worth the risk of heartbreak again.

Anatomy scan results

2012-03-29T07:38:00.001-05:00

Everything is normal! We got home late last night after going to a basketball game and there was a message from Jan, my OB's nurse. When I first heard her voice on the message, I worried a little, but in the past Dr. A. called me when something wrong was found with Jacob. Jan said that the "anatomical scan and ultrasound results are normal". I felt this wave of relief wash over me and I didn't really know what to do with myself. It was like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I was a mix between laughing and crying from being so happy. I lay in bed shortly after and just kept thinking of how grateful I am that Boh is okay, that we have passed another hurdle and won.

We never had an ultrasound with Jacob that had completely worry-free results. The NT scan was pretty good, but his neck measurement was 2.9, so on the high side of normal. And of course the first anatomy scan with him showed an issue with his foot and the second with his foot and possibly his hands. We never got great news like we got yesterday.

I'm going to call Jan today and thank her for calling and not making us just hope that no news is good news as we wait for my appointment next Thursday (I'm sure I would have called before that anyway to see if the results were in).

I feel like I'm on floating on a cloud right now as I am just so grateful that everything is looking good. I still worry, and I don't like to admit that I do, that they might have missed something (I don't even like to write that down). I'm just trying to take the results and truly believe them and not go to my appointment next week and ask for a breakdown of every part of the report on each part of her body.

Getting such a great result on the anatomy scan really helps this week as we are within days of the point when we lost Jacob.

It's a girl! 19 weeks pregnant!

2012-03-27T20:10:00.002-05:00

The biggest news is that Boh is a girl! We are so excited! We would have been thrilled with either, of course, I just love knowing what the little baby kicking away in there is! The dreaming of the future is in full swing. Ted and I have been thinking all day of the things we will do with our little girl.

The ultrasound went well. I couldn't see the screen well for most of it, just out of the corner of my eye, but I saw the heartbeat after a few minutes and relaxed just a little bit then. They said the baby is really active and I had to get up to pee halfway through because the baby wouldn't move her right hand out from under her head, but had once I got back (same thing happened with Jacob - even the same hand). They mentioned once that she moved away when they were trying to measure something, which she always does for the doppler.

I didn't find out what the baby is until Ted came in the room towards the end (I wish they would just let the partners stay in the room the whole time, but it's just not the way it works here). She showed us many pictures of the baby first (spine, heart, stomach, bladder, brain, umbilical cord, feet etc and which all looked perfect to me) and then asked again if we want to see what is between the legs. I knew right away that it was a girl and then she pointed out why she thinks so. A student did part of the scan and she said that she also thought it is a girl.

I feel Boh move more everyday and can't even describe how much I love it. Boh is so active that I have been able to feel her kicking from the outside of my belly for two days now. I didn't feel a lot of movement last evening, which started worrying me, even though I did sleep for 1.5 hours on the couch and could have slept through it. I woke up at 1:30am to pee this morning and when I got back in bed, I asked Boh to just give me something. A few minutes later, I felt about 7 kicks, 3 of which I clearly felt from the outside. Amazing doesn't even begin to describe it.

Boh doesn't like my waistbands, even though they are far from tight. Is something is even remotely pressing on my belly, she keeps kicking at the same spot until I move it.

My headaches are a lot better now. I was having them everyday, but I haven't had a full-day headache in a week.

I've had two big cases of baby brain in the past week. The most recent happened today. My sister called me on my cell phone while I was at work today. We talked for a few minutes and then got disconnected. I tried calling her back on my work phone, but ended up calling my cell phone. I heard the ringing on both and figured she was calling me back on the cell while her home phone was ringing. So I answered my cell phone while waiting with the other handset to my ear and I heard myself saying “Hello? Hello? Laurie, are you there?” Then I realized that I called myself when I looked at my work phone and really studied the number that I had dialled (it took me about 10 seconds to realize that it was my cell phone number and that she wasn't on the phone).

I had a long dream about a baby girl a few nights ago, the third one I have had, but by far the longest. I watched 2 documentaries about giving birth in the past week and have started thinking more and more about doing it without an epidural. I'm not going to worry about it too much, just see what happens when I'm actually in labour.

The pelvic girdle pain is worse some days than others. My friend told me an easy exercise that helps and it does. Thanks Allison!

I still have the rash, although it is looking a tiny bit less red today.

I've had a few braxton hicks over the past week, about one a day and I just hate them. They scare me as I started having them a lot in the week before I found out that Jacob was gone. I know they're normal, but I hate them.

I washed the rest of my maternity clothes this week, the ones that I had since I was pregnant with Jacob. It was a big deal to me. I haven't worn any of them yet, but I might. It just makes me nervous even though I never actually wore these particular tops when pregnant with him, just tried them on, because they were still too big.

I finally went to church on Sunday, the first time in more time than I care to admit. I remembered when I was there why I was staying away. The assistant minister is pregnant and due in May and all of her sermons include a lot of references to her pregnancy. If I wasn't pregnant, it would be too hard to listen to it every Sunday. Her sermons are good, it's just all the baby talk. I hadn't felt Boh move when I was standing up until Sunday, when I was standing up and singing a hymn. Boh moved a few times, which was cool.

I am craving chips so much. I just want to eat them all the time and it's hard to limit myself. It doesn't matter what kind, I just want them.

I've always wondered if the placenta was on the right side of my belly because it is always higher than the left. I also wondered if it might be across the top because I don't feel any kicking up there. The ultrasound today confirmed that it is on the upper right side.

Here is my belly picture for this week:

The fear is ever-present, especially this week and probably next, although I know it will never go away. It was sometime in the 19th week that Jacob died, we think, and he was born at 21 weeks. It helps that I feel Boh move so much, more than I felt Jacob move, but it's still scary. We'll see how we do over the next 2 weeks.

I have loved telling my family and friends that Boh is a girl. Their reactions and support, it just makes me really grateful. Grateful to have them in my life and grateful that Boh has so many people that love her.

18 weeks (and 1 day?)

2012-03-20T19:25:00.001-05:00

Not much has changed in the way of symptoms over the past week, but I feel Boh move more and more and amazing doesn't even begin to describe it. Boh seems to have 3-4 active periods a day. Usually in the morning once I've settled in at work, then around lunch, then mid-afternoon, then the evening. Today we were driving home and I felt 4 strong kicks in a row on the left where the seat belt was resting against my belly (it wasn't even remotely tight). I've notice that if my pants are even the slightest bit tight, Boh kicks right on the tight spot a lot. Boh usually kicks me on the left side, sometimes on the right and occassionally in the middle. I haven't felt any kicks at the top of my uterus yet, so I wonder if my placenta is here. I love that I am seeing his/her personality more and more. Sometimes I feel a short, sharp pain inside and I imagine it is just about where my cervix is and wonder if Boh is giving it a good kick. I don't remember having that feeling with Jacob, but I didn't feel Jacob move this much either.

Boh doesn't seem too pleased when I use the doppler. I find his/her heartbeat (it can be difficult to find it and not find mine at the same time...I can clearly hear both, but the doppler doesn't know which one to read and jumps up and down). Usually very soon after finding Boh's heartbeat, I lose it again as Boh has moved away. So I move the wand around, find it and Boh moves again and sometimes gives a good kick as well.

I feel bigger by the day and I'm loving it. I've had a few people this week say that I'm bigger than I was with Jacob. I love that they aren't afraid to bring up my first pregnancy since they know what the outcome was. The other night Ted said that he can see my belly button is getting closer and closer to sticking out. I think we have another month or so before it comes very close to it, but there is a difference.

Just now I was leaning back in the chair and put my hands on my belly and could clearly feel the outline of my uterus. It was the first time I have been able to feel the top of it so clearly. For over a week now, I could feel my belly on my arms when they were at my side, but today I've notice it especially. I've taken a few pictures of my belly from my view in the past week.

On Sunday

On Monday

I had my first bout of unpleasant heartburn (it had been mild until then) last Wednesday. I had a grilled vegetable panini for lunch with tomato sauce and I think it was the tomato sauce that did it.

I bought a body pillow on Sunday and it has made such a big difference and I'm sleeping better. It is a little awkward when I get up at night to pee, since it is on the edge of the bed and it pretty big to move when I'm half awake, but it's worth it.

I have headaches most days, varying from mild to medium and I haven't taken anything for them and don't plan too. It really makes me appreciate days like today when I don't have much of a headache. I am also congested and always smell this weird smell, which is getting unpleasant.

I wouldn't really call this a scare, but it landed me at my OB's office on Monday afternoon for a last minute appointment. Last Thursday or Friday, I noticed a very slight rash at the top of my right leg, under my hip. I didn't think much of it and it wasn't itchy. On Sunday night after a shower, I noticed one in the same place on my left leg/hip and it was much bigger and there were a few spots going up my left side. It wasn't very itchy, but it was there and unusual - it was a little hard for me to see it all that well because my belly and breasts are so big :) I went online and found out that there are several causes of rashes in pregnancy that aren't bad - heat rash, hormones, a few others. But there are 2 that are really bad and have really bad consequences for the Mom and/or baby. I woke up Monday morning and the rash on my left side was worse and it was getting worse on my right side. I called my OB's office on Monday morning, and left a message. I just said that I was calling to let them know since it's something different, but I didn't ask to come in. Jan, the nurse, called me back an hour later and asked if I could come in at 1pm. I love that they are being so careful about everything.

I got there and there was only one couple in the waiting room and, after doing the urine test, I was shown right into the exam room. Dr. A checked the rash and thinks that it is most likely just a heat rash given it's location and gave me some hydrocortisone to put on it. I've decided not to use it though. It just reduces inflammation and itching and since the rash isn't that itchy, I don't want to use the cream. I looked it up online and some say that it is completely safe, some say it is safe if you use it for less than 7 days, and a few said that it hasn't been tested enough on pregnant woman and it can enter the bloodstream.

She listened to Boh's heartbeat and Boh kept moving around so she couldn't find it for more than a second or two. She would smile when we found it briefly, then stop smiling and close her eyes when looking for it again and I hated seeing her with her eyes closed (memories of her looking for Jacob's heartbeat). She found it for about 20 seconds after a minute and commented on how the baby keeps moving. That's my baby :) After the appointment, I went home (it was nice having to leave work on a beautiful day) and sat in the backyard in the sun. It was so nice sitting out there, rubbing my belly and telling Boh about the fun we would have in the backyard.

I went to the mall and visited with my Mom, sister and nephews and then went to pick Ted up at the GO station after work. The train was late, so I entertained myself by taking some self-portraits because I want lots of pictures of my belly. Here is the best one:

I took some pictures of me without a top on when I got home, mostly so that I could see the rash better and be able to look back in a few days and have it a little easier to tell if it is getting better or not. When I looked at them I was shocked at how big I look from the side. If I saw someone my size I didn't know, I would think that they were 5-6 months pregnant, not 4.5. I'm not complaining at all, I love it. Even the tightness I feel at my sides at night. My belly hasn't been itchy from the stretching yet, the skin just feels tight and uncomfortable.

I had dinner with two good friends last week, both babyloss Mom's. I love getting together with them. I had lunch with another friend on Saturday, who I met through a support group for infertility and pregnancy loss and, after that lunch, I ran into someone I had only talked to online. We met online when I was pregnant with the twins, discovered that we both live in the same city, and have exchanged messages ever since. I had walked by her on the street on the way to the garden and noticed her in particular because she had a stroller and a tiny baby inside it. I was in the garden for about 30 seconds when she walked in and asked if I am Dana. She saw my baby bump as a I walked by her, then saw me go in the garden and figured it must be me. It was really nice meeting her in person.

We passed two big milestones this week. When I was 17 weeks, 5 days pregnant with Jacob, I started bleeding and was diagnosed with a sub-chorionic hemorrage. I held my breath a little this weekend until we passed that point. I was feeling a lot of anxiety towards the end of last week. It is a lot better now, but I still have moments of just pure fear and it seems to be getting worse the closer I get to 21 weeks.

Jacob was born at 21 weeks, but I believe he died at about 19.5 weeks and by the time he was born, he had shrunk and was measuring closer to 18.5 weeks. That means that Boh is almost as big as Jacob was when we held him. I shouldn't know from experience how big the baby in my belly is because I held a baby that size in my hand.

We also found out the results of the IPS screening and they are excellent. Given my age, I automatically had a 1 in 210 chance of down syndrome, but the IPS results put that at 1 in 2200. It was negative for everything else (neural tube defect, etc). The IPS with Jacob came back with a 1/289 chance of a neural tube defect (which he did not have).

I went to the Eaton's Centre at lunch today and thought I would just see if they had any good sales on baby clothes or any maternity clothes I liked at Old Navy and I left with both. Here is what I bought for Boh:

Because Ted loves basketball

Here is the official 18 week belly picture:

My uterus is supposed to be the size of a cantaloupe right now

Boh is about 6 inches from crown to rump and weighs about 7 ounces and is practicing breathing. Boh as as many nerve cells as an adult now and is beginning to form a protective coating of myelin around the nerves. The bones in Boh's inner ear have hardened and Boh should be able to hear me talk now and will become startled if he/she hears a loud noise.

The anatomy scan is on Tuesday, March 27th at 8:30am. I'm looking forward to it and I'm nervous about it. Mostly I am looking forward to it. I can't wait to see Boh again (and find out if Boh is a girl or a boy!).

17 weeks, 1 or 2 days

2012-03-14T18:03:00.003-05:00

I love typing bigger and bigger numbers. It still feels surreal to be 17 weeks pregnant. As Ted and I were walking to the car yesterday after work, I said that even though we've seen Boh several times and I feel Boh move everyday, it still doesn't seem quite real. We've wanted this for so long and it's actually happening. It felt very real with Jacob at this point, and we love Boh so much, but we still don't quite just let loose like we did with Jacob.

That being said, everyday, every hour, every minute seems so amazing. I felt Boh move so much today, a few times an hour between 9am and 1pm. One kick was pretty strong. I felt a few kicks on the left and one on the right (the really strong one was on the right).

I was in the elevator at work, which has mirrors on three walls, and looked at my profile in the mirror. My belly just looked so big and I felt so overcome with happiness.

My belly is measuring 35 inches at my navel and 36 inches just under it. I measured it about a week ago and it was 33 inches. Yesterday I was sitting in the car and looked down at it and it just looked so round suddenly, like it had suddenly taken on a new shape and spread out more across my front.

I am as big as I was with Jacob when he was born at 21 weeks, and wider in general. My face has even filled out a bit already and my breasts keep growing.

I rub my belly all day and Ted rubs it at night and kisses it. I find myself getting emotional when he does it.

I had a mild cold over the weekend, and a mild sore throat last week, but neither lasted long. I'm still congested, but I'm pretty sure it's just regular pregnancy congestion.

I went for the second part of the IPS bloodwork on Monday. I think Dr. A should have the results by early next week at the latest.

The heartburn really hit today. I've been feeling it for a few weeks, but it kind of combined with the nausea and the nausea was worse. Now that the worst of the nausea has passed (I feel pretty decent at night now, it is so nice), I notice the heartburn more. I had it with Jacob too, but it didn't really start bothering me until about 19-20 weeks.

I had two nightmares in the past week and had to get up and check on Boh with the doppler. I find Boh's heartbeat right away now, but then lose it quickly as Boh seems to move away and I have to go hunting for it again (it doesn't take long). Then I find it and it sounds like Boh is kicking or pushing on the doppler. I love knowing that he/she is active in there and I feel a little bad that I'm doing something that Boh doesn't like. If I didn't have that doppler though, I would be more of a nervous wreck.

I felt really sick on Monday afternoon (something I ate) and had some bad cramps. I have a sensitive digestive system so this is nothing new, but I got terrified that maybe it was contractions too and I'd feel a little foot come out. Obviously that didn't happen, but I was terrified. I also felt faint during this but managed not to faint.

We went to 2 maternity stores on Saturday, which was a really big step. I was looking for some pants I could wear to work, but I want them on sale. I just can't spend $60+ on pants that I'm only going to wear for a few months. I was trying some clothes on in the change room and Ted suggested that I use the "belly" provided but I couldn't. I used it once when pregnant with Jacob and it's just one of those things that I don't want to do again. I ended up buying a shirt, the belly band (which I love), some pajamas ($14!) and a dress that will be great for work and I might wear to the wedding in Montreal in June, if we go. I worried that the saleswoman would ask if this is our first and what I would say if there was another pregnant woman within earshot. I decided that I would say that this isn't our first, but wouldn't go into any detail unless really pressed to and then I would have said that he would have been a year old. But she didn't ask. At the second store the saleswoman did and I said that this isn't our first and she didn't ask anything, so that worked out. I went ahead and signed up for the free stuff they will send. I figured that I might want some of it one day, so why not. If things don't work out and it starts arriving, at least I would know that we were optimistic during the pregnancy. I also bought some new underwear. Although my underwear still fits, it's just felt a little tight and I can't relax. I hadn't bought any new underwear when pregnant with Jacob, so it's a bit of a clue as to how much bigger I am this time around.

I just felt 3 more moves from Boh :)

I also started feeling some sharp pain in my back this week, halfway between my spine and side on my pelvic bone. I looked it up and it seems like it is pelvic girdle pain, which is very common. I got it just as "they" said it happens. After walking (it was really nice out on Sunday and we went for a longer walk than we have since I've been pregnant) and when getting up from sitting down. I didn't have any yesterday or today. I've had some mild round ligament pain, which I manage not to freak out about, and some lower back ache, which I do get worried about since I had that right before I started bleeding with Jacob. It always goes away quickly though.

I am really touched and grateful for all the people who are praying for Boh. It means a lot to us.
I have really popped lately and there is no question that I'm pregnant and not just gaining weight. I've had a couple of people at work this week ask and I love walking around, looking down and seeing my belly. I love walking outside with my belly, I love when strangers look at it (even though a part of me worries that they may have had a loss and it hurts them to see it).

Here it is:

And here is what a 17 weeks baby looks like:

According to the websites, Boh is starting to hear this week and weighs arounds 5 ounces and is about 5 inches crown to rump. Boh's soft cartillage is changing to bone and the umbilical cord is growing thicker and stronger. Boh is swallowing and is more flexible and can move his/her head, mouth, lips, arms, wrists, hands, legs, feet and toes.

16 weeks!

2012-03-06T18:18:00.004-06:00

I feel like we have reached a bit of a milestone this week. Every week is a milestone, but this is a whole new month.

My belly is really getting big now. I always feel it against my arms in positions that I didn't before. When I lie down, I can clearly see a higher bump on the right side than the left (with Jacob the bump was higher on the left). I've tried taking a picture of it, but it doesn't show up well yet in pictures. I can feel the sides of my uterus, but can't always make out where the top is and I don't want to press around there too much, so I don't.

The Linea Nigra is getting darker and I can see it above my belly button now too.

Most exciting in the past week is that I feel Boh moving a lot more than before. On Sunday night I felt 4 movements in 20 minutes. I have been looking forward to this so much and I enjoy every single movement I feel. I feel Boh move at least once a day, usually a few times during the day. I tell Ted almost every time I feel Boh move and we sit there grinning.

When I bend over, I feel an increasingly heavier weight in my lower belly. It's all so amazing.

I had one scare this week, which shouldn't really have been one. I am so glad I have the doppler. When I woke up on Sunday morning, my belly just didn't feel as big as it usually does when I wake up (my arm is usually lying across it. I got up and used the doppler and found Boh right away. Not only that, but Boh didn't seem to like me using the doppler much and kicked/nudged it a few times. I had earphones on at the time so that I wouldn't wake Ted up and it hurt my ears but I loved it.

The nausea has improved a lot this week. It's still there, but it's so mild compared to what it used to be. I am starting to believe that I really might not feel nauseous forever.

My Mom has called me with name suggestions (mostly for a girl) for the past few days and I love that she is so excited about it.

I washed the maternity pants that I worse when I was pregnant with Jacob, but I haven't worn them yet. I'm going to need some soon so I wanted to have them ready. They might even fit now, I just haven't tried them on yet. There are some tops that I wore with Jacob a lot that would be perfect for right now, but I just can't bring myself to wear them so I'm not going to. The pants are ok though, I think, as are many non-maternity outfits I wore just as often. It's funny how I can wear one piece of clothing but can barely think about wearing another.

Ok, back to happier talk.

I bought myself a shirt today. It isn't a maternity shirt, but it is long and a bit stretchy so I can wear it for the next month or so and I wouldn't have bought it if I wasn't pregnant. It's a small thing, but it's a big thing too.

Another person guessed what I'm having this week and, like everyone else, has guessed girl. She says it's because I'm getting bigger all around my middle and I was just all out front with Jacob.
We'll find out in 3 weeks!

Doctor Appointment

2012-03-03T15:39:00.001-06:00

On Thursday March 1st I had my second appointment with Dr. A for this pregnancy and it went well.

I was so nervous about it, starting the afternoon before. The morning of the appointment, I wouldn't check my work email from home, eat cereal or read a book in her office because those were all things I did the day of the appointment when we found out that Jacob was gone. The nervousness got worse and worse as we waiting at her office and I started to feel more nauseous because of it.

She found Boh's heartbeat quickly and went over the preliminary IPS results - Boh's NT measurement is good and his/her nasal bone looked fine. She said that everything so far is "looking very favourable" and that nothing would make her happier than to have everything go perfect with this pregnancy.

I was really happy to hear that she plans to do extra ultrasounds (I didn't ask about future treatment at my first appointment because I didn't dare look that far ahead even though I was wondering about it). I asked when she plans on doing them and she said that she'll be making it up as we go along and that's fine with me. We talked about NSTs and right now she doesn't feel it is necessary since Jacob's death isn't unexplained. I figure if I really want them, I can bring it up again once I'm in the 3rd trimester since they wouldn't start until then anyway.

I told her what happened on February 24th, when I had to be catheterized at the hospital and she seemed a little surprised by it and looked over my urine tests results which she said couldn't be more perfect. She was also surprised about how much urine they got out with the catheter.

She gave me the requisition form for the anatomy scan and we decided that I would go at 19 weeks. I know 20 weeks is ideal, but since Jacob died right around then, I can't stand to wait. She said she prefers that they be done at the prenatal clinic at the hospital and asked if it's a problem and I said it's a scary place for me (the same place I had the ultrasound confirming that Jacob was gone) and she gave the name of another place I could go, but I've decided to just face it and go to the hospital, mainly because there is a chance I can get a CD of all the pictures from the Diagnostic Imaging Department a week or two after the ultrasound. The appointment for that is March 27th at 8:30am.

I ended up telling her that I have a doppler, which I hadn't been planning on doing. She asked if they checked on the baby when I was in the hospital and they hadn't, but I hadn't asked them too either because I was going to do it at home anyway. I said they didn't, but couldn't just leave it at that. What kind of babyloss Mom has a scare and doesn't have the baby checked on? I told her a friend gave it to me, which isn't a total lie since a friend has given me a doppler, but you can't use it until 24 weeks or so. She said it will drive me crazy but I told her that it has been really helpful and reassuring.

She cancelled my appointment for August 1 because she is taking that week off and it isn't rescheduled because I'm going in every week at that point. I don't like it that much, but I guess I can see someone else if something comes up or I can go to the hospital and I'm glad that she isn't taking the next week off or a week closer to my due date. All she'll do at the appointment is take my blood pressure (which I can do at the drug store), test my urine and listen for Boh's heartbeat (which I can do at home).

The IPS puts my due date at August 20th, so either the baby is measuring a day ahead or the baby was measuring a day behind at my first ultrasound at 7 weeks. According to when I ovulated, the due date is August 21st. So, are my weekly changeover days Mondays or Tuesdays? I guess if the baby is reaching each weekly milestone on a Monday, we'll start doing pictures on Mondays.

I've gained about 5 pounds in the past month, so about 10 so far in the pregnancy. I'm definitely bigger that I was with Jacob at this point and I love, love, love my belly. I touch it and look at it so many times a day and when I shower, I can hardly believe that it is mine. I can't see my toes at all now and it was closer to 5 months that that happened with Jacob. I also gained 13 pounds total with Jacob and I'll be shocked if I don't gain that much more in the next 2-3 weeks.

I liked that her nurse and Dr. A recognize me and remember my name. A few patients arrived while we were waiting and Jan confirmed their names as they walked it and she hasn't done that with me in 2 years. Well, we've earned the recognition.

We were really happy the rest of the day. We decided to go out for dinner to a new place in Oakville which is near the garden, so we stopped by there first and talked to Jacob in our head's.

My brother-in-law was diagnosed with hand-foot and mouth disease last Monday which has been associated with a small risk of miscarriage so I won't be going to their house for awhile. I know it's a small change, but we've been at the end of so many bad odds before that we just can't take the risk. His rash is gone, but I read that it can live in the intestinal track for 6 months.

My Mom is calling me with name suggestions and is so excited about the baby. I love hearing her excitement. I love that all her friends are hoping and praying for us.

I've felt Boh move a few more times and it feels stronger than the earlier movements. I felt it twice yesterday and I will never get enough of that feeling.

15 weeks

2012-02-28T19:33:00.001-06:00

So the past week was eventful, with the hospital trip on Friday since I couldn't pee. Everything has been fine in that department since and I still hold my breath a little every time I go to the bathroom until I actually pee. I never heard from the hospital, so I assume the 48-hour cultures they were running came back negative. I'm going to see Dr. A on Thursday and will ask her to add a urine test to the requisition I already have for the second part of the IPS, just to make sure.

When we left work on Friday, Ted just told his boss why he was leaving and I told mine. It turns out that we left a lot of worried people behind. When we got home from the hospital, I emailed Sheila and told her that Boh is ok and that I had to have a catheter, etc. She wrote back that she had been so worried when she hadn't heard from me all day and was so relieved that everything was ok. Yesterday and today, 3 friends approached Ted and asked if everything was ok, if the baby is ok and how worried they were on Friday. So he told them what happened. One said that she hadn't been able to concentrate much on Friday, which I thought was so nice. I find it sweet and sad that people get so worried for us.

The nausea has been worse since Sunday. I had reached a point where it wasn't bad during the day for the most part, and I just felt bad at night. Starting on Sunday I started feeling worse during the day, but the worst was still at night. I had dry heaves twice in the past few days while brushing my teeth and once while getting in the car. I thought I was almost done with buying the organic suckers, but ended up buying another bag on Sunday and I'm glad I did.

Yesterday at work I started to feel faint. I was in the bathroom and since I've very familiar with the symptoms of fainting, I knew what was happening right away. I sat down, took off my sweater then took off my shirt and was in there with just my bra and pants on until I felt it pass. As I left, I had some very dangerous dry heaves, got back to my desk as quickly as I could and grabbed a sucker which that helped a lot.

Last night I had a really bad sleep, the worst I've had since the early days after Jacob was born. I fell asleep between 9-10pm on the couch (I always sleep for about an hour on the couch before going to bed), watched TV from 10-11pm and then went to bed. I knew as soon as I lay down that I wouldn't be falling asleep easily and I looked at the clock a lot. I remember looking at it at 12:30 and then waking up at 2:30 to take my prenatal and go to the bathroom. I was having trouble taking a deep breath and was keeping Ted awake, so I went downstairs to the couch and curled up under 2 blankets. Breathing was much easier on the couch and I slept on and off....most off. I ended up crying when I first moved downstairs, starting with one silly thing, then about Jacob. I eventually fell asleep and woke up at least every 30 minutes, sometimes every 10 minutes. Surprisingly I wasn't very tired at work today.

I went online and read about what is happening with the baby at 15 weeks and what symptoms I might be experiencing and a big one was insomnia. Looks like I'm right on schedule.

As I sit writing this, Ted and I keep looking at my belly and saying how pregnant I look and we love it. I can't see my toes anymore when standing up straight. It's wonderful.

Hospital visit

2012-02-25T12:10:00.002-06:00

First, everything is fine. I got home from the hospital yesterday and used the doppler and found Boh's heartbeat quickly. I also found it quickly this morning.

I ended up at the hospital yesterday afternoon because I hadn't been able to pee since 11pm on Thursday night. Everything was normal when I went to bed. I got up at 2am and took my prenatal and got up to pee and could only get a few drops out. I went back to bed, hoping things would be different when I got up again. I got up at 4am and still couldn't pee and it was getting uncomfortable. This happened when I was pregnant with Jacob too and resolved itself within a few hours, so although it was really frustrating, I hoped that I would be able to pee a few hours later.

I got up around 6:10am and tried again. Nothing. I leaned backwards and forwards and from side to side while trying and nothing. I even stood in the shower in case standing would relieve pressure on my urethra and I didn't get a drop.

I decided to go to work because I figured that I would be able to pee a few hours later. I was uncomfortable on the way to work, especially when I had to stand up or sit down or walk, but I got to work. I wanted to look up causes of problems urinating, but my internet was down which increased my frustration. Sheila came to my desk around 9:30 and asked if I was ok, saying I looked really pale. I told her the problem and she said I better leave and see my doctor, that the baby is my priority and I better go. Around this time Ted called and I said I still hadn't peed and he said that I had to do something about it too. So I called my doctor's office and got an appointment at 2:20pm, which seemed like really far away but I figured I could stand it (I hadn't had anything to drink since 2am because I didn't want to make the problem worse).

Ted found out the time and insisted I call back and ask for an earlier one and said maybe we should just go to the hospital. I really wanted to avoid the hospital because there are so many people there with coughs and colds and flu. I called my doctor's office back and they said I could see someone else at 11:40, so we left work right away and got the next train. I had tried peeing about 4 times at work, and on the train (in a tiny bathroom - wasn't pleasant) and it hurt so much every time I tried. I felt like I was bursting, but not a drop would come out and the pressure and pain got worse when I tried and I was so frustrated and in tears. Ted was so sweet and supportive. While on the train, he said that if I think I can pee, just wet my pants, it doesn't matter and it will be our secret. I wish I could have.

It got so painful on the train, that I thought putting my legs up would help, but it was too painful to lift them up myself, so Ted lifted them up and down. I cried in the car on the way to the doctor's because the bumps in the road had me in agony. We got to the doctor's office, I checked in and they told me to sit down in the waiting room. Ted went up and told them that it's an emergency, that I'm in a lot of pain and that I'm pregnant. They asked if I could provide a urine sample and handed him the container. We said that is the problem, I can't do it. So they led me back to a room and the nurse practitioner came in shortly after and said I looked like I was in pain right away. She wanted me to lie down on the table so she could feel my belly and they both had to help my down because my belly hurt so much. I told her she couldn't press hard and she didn't, but said I had to go to the hospital, that I need a catheter and they don't do it there. I was so desperate for relief I felt like crying but didn't.

So we got to the hospital and I signed in and was sent to another waiting room quickly. I thought that I just might be seen quickly since I didn't have to wait in the general waiting room at all. But the second waiting room was busy and I cringed everytime a person with a cold or cough walked by me. I couldn't sit back in my chair because the pain was too awful, I had to sit on the edge, hunched over and I could barely move my legs around. Ted went in after 45 minutes and asked how long it would be, said the pain was getting worse and reminded them that I'm pregnant. I kept hoping my OB would walk by since she had OR time on Friday's and I would run after her begging for help, but she never did (well, there is no way I could have followed her quickly - Ted would have had to do it).

The pain was terrible, but we were really worried about Boh.

About 10 minutes later, a nurse came out and said "Can't pee?" and looked at me. I didn't even care that the whole waiting room heard it, relief was in sight. She took me to a bed and I changed into the hospital gown and she asked me to lie back. I said I couldn't, so she put the bed back a lot, but not completely and scanned my bladder and found that I had about a liter of urine in there. My belly looked weird and so abnormal. I have a good baby bump now, but it was like there was a balloon on top of that that was extremely tight and huge. She said they would drain it, but I had to see the doctor first, which thankfully didn't take very long for him to come in and go through my history.

The nurse, Mona, came back in and said she could do the catheter now and I was so grateful to her. I had to lie back again, but the pain was worth it because I knew that relief would come soon. It didn't feel great having the catheter put in, but it was nothing compared to the pain in my belly. It wasn't instant relief, but gradual and I felt better after about a minute and the change in the size of my belly was amazing. I could actually move without pain again.

The catheter was left in for 2 hours and I drank a huge cup of water (I wanted to drink it fast so it would work its way through while I still had the catheter in). It was one of the best glasses of water I've ever tasted (even though drinking ice water so fast gave me the chills for awhile and Ted got me another blanket). While waiting for the lab results, we listened to the stories of the people in the beds on either side of us, looked at xrays on the computer on the nurses station, and tried to figure out the system of the
panel on the wall across from the bed where they keep track of patients (there were flashing lights on different buttons to say what the status was. For me, it was flashing on Lab).

Ted had to pee the whole time, but wasn't going out of sympathy. He finally went around 3:30, 1.5 hours after I got the catheter. In total, just over a liter of urine was drained (1300cc) and I felt like a new person.

Mona came back in after a while and said that my urine came back negative for bacteria and that they would run a culture on it over the next 48 hours and call me if anything shows up, but most likely it is just one of those crazy pregnancy things. She said sometimes the muscles just forget what they are supposed to do and that it probably won't happen again, but if it does I will have to come back and have a catheter for a few days. I'm so happy to say that I've been able to pee about 5 times since I got home and I will never take peeing for granted again. It hurts a little when I go, but it is getting better and better and likely just hurts because of the catheter.

Ted was so great throughout it all. To think that at first I told him he didn't have to leave work and come with me, that I could just go to the doctor's alone. Later he told me that there was no way he was going to take the chance on getting another phone call at work with bad news (which is what happened when we found out Jacob had died).

They didn't check the baby at the hospital. If I didn't have a doppler at home I would have asked them to do it there, but I got home and checked and Boh's heartrate was great. I checked again this morning and found it right away and it was great again.

So that is our first, and hopefully last, hospital trip before Boh is full term and I'm in labour.

14 weeks - Second Trimester!

2012-02-21T19:51:00.002-06:00

We are thrilled that I'm 14 weeks pregnant now. I have moments everyday when I'm just amazed by it, that there is a living baby inside of me again, that I have a growing belly again, that my clothes are getting too tight, etc. I feel so fortunate.

This week's belly picture:

The most exciting thing to happen in the past week is that I have felt Boh move. I was sitting at my desk at work and I felt a bump low in my belly. It was right where Boh is and right away I thought it was different. I felt it again the next day around the same time (3pm) and once or twice everyday since. On Sunday I felt several little bumps.....I imagine Boh is bouncing from one side of my uterus to the other as I doubt his/her legs or arms are strong enough to be giving me that big of a nudge.

I just don't get tired of looking at my belly. I must look down 100 times a day just to look at it. I have my hand on it a lot, I wake up and my arm is wrapped around it.

We went to Home Depot and to the grocery store on Sunday. I walked around the store with my coat undone just so that I could see my belly better. In Home Depot, I walked past several mirrors and I always looked at my belly in them, wondering if I look pregnant to strangers yet.

My nausea continues to improve, but I think I've reached a plateau for now. It is much, much better than it was before, but it is still there and I still feel worse late in the evening starting around 9-10pm. I almost always fall asleep on the couch by 10pm and when I wake up to go to bed, I feel pretty bad physically. I have a few dry heaves last night when brushing my teeth, which I hadn't had for a few days.

The heartburn is becoming more frequent, although it isn't very bad yet.

Last Thursday I saw that I am starting to get the Linea Nigra, something I haven't had since shortly after Jacob was born. Ted noticed it too. Another sign that made us happy.

My breathing has improved a lot in the past week. There have been a few days when I didn't have to struggle to get a deep breath once and it was so nice. Now I just seem to have some difficulty in the evenings, but it isn't very bad.

I get up about 2 times a night to pee and it still takes forever for the pee to come out (trickle, trickle, trickle). I think it may have to do with my retroverted uterus, which, according to some websites can cause this problem and should start to move into place this week.

I had a sore throat for 2 days last week. It wasn't terrible, but it was sore enough that I didn't want to speak anymore than I needed to. I was so relieved when it stopped on the second day. I felt it coming again last night, but I feel ok now.

I feel more round ligament pain, usually once or twice a day. Some days I don't feel any and others I feel it for 30 minutes and then it goes away for a day.

My Mom told me the other day that she saw a really cute dress on sale at a store and was so tempted to buy it in case Boh is a girl. But then she told herself that she just can't take any chance of jinxing things so she didn't get it. Turns out she thinks about Boh a lot and is really worried that something bad could happen. I love knowing that she thinks about it so much. My sister's kids are sick and I was wondering if I should cancel on going to her house for her birthday or just be really careful because I felt bad about not going. Mom said that I definitely shouldn't go, all that matters is "that I get this baby here alive" (my sister's party was cancelled in the end anyway because no one else wanted to get sick either - I wouldn't have gone even if it hadn't been though).

I told the last person in my department about Boh last Thursday (she was on vacation when I told everyone else). I knew she would act/be happy about it, but I was surprised that talking about Boh helped her to bring up Jacob (because I didn't think she would ever bring him up) and ask if we ever found out what happened to him. She hasn't been the most considerate person over the past 20 months, so I was really surprised when she asked about him and was really interested in the answers. We talked about grief and she said that she just can't imagine how terrible it is to lose a child. I ended up telling her about losing August, Cub and the Twins as well when she asked if we had been trying for very long to get pregnant with Boh. She surprised me again by her reaction. It was nice.

I'm going to finish off this post with one of the best sounds in the world - Boh's heartbeat. I use the doppler every few days. It is getting easier and easier to tell Boh's heartbeat from mine after listening to it for a second or two. Here it is from February 16:

13 weeks!

2012-02-14T18:08:00.002-06:00

I feel so lucky that I get to write such a high number. I know there are many, many more high numbers to come (hopefully), but we are revelling in 13 right now.

My belly is getting bigger and bigger. If I saw someone with this belly at work, I would definitely be suspicious.

No big tests or doctor's appointments in the past week. I did tell the other 2 directors in my department that I'm pregnant, so I'm glad that is done. I wasn't sure when I wanted to tell them, but the day after the ultrasound last week, one of them asked how all my doctor's appointments were going. It was a leading question because I knew he was suspicious and had told someone else that he thought we were trying again. So I took the opportunity and told him. He was happy for us and later called me into his office and said again how happy he is for us and that he knows that we've been through a lot (and he doesn't even know about the miscarriages) and how glad he is that we're going for it again. I went to tell the other director and he looked really pleased.

Over the past few days, I've started feeling heaviness in my lower belly when I bend over. I've missed that feeling. I remember it well from Jacob. My nausea seems to be getting a little better, although I still feel pretty sick by 9pm or so and am usually asleep by 10pm. I find when lying on the couch at night that if I lay on my right side, the nausea is a lot worse and I have dry heaves.

I've felt some stirrings of heartburn, but it hasn't gotten very bad. It is easier to drink water now, but I'm still not drinking a lot of it. Today is the first day in weeks that I haven't once had to fight to take a deep breath. We'll see what tonight brings. At times over the past week when I've been trying to get one, I'm mid-yawn and feel like I might be able to take a deep breath, but the yawn makes me feel nauseous and I have a dry heave.

I can still see my toes over my belly, but it won't be long until I can't. It wasn't until about 4.5 months that I couldn't see them anymore when I was pregnant with Jacob.

I gave myself a big scare with the doppler last Thursday. Ted is very nervous when I use it, so I try not to use it around him often. He was in the shower when we got home from work and I felt like using it, so I tried it while standing up and didn't have any luck, but didn't worry too much because I knew that it's much easier to find when lying down. I tried for a few minutes, then heard him getting out of the shower so I stopped. I went and had my shower and came downstairs and tried again while lying down for a few minutes. Still nothing except my heartbeat. By then I was panicking and started wondering what I should do....could I wait till the morning to call my OB. I cried and begged Boh to be alive. Ted came downstairs and started on dinner. I stopped using it before he came down and went upstairs when he was in the kitchen, went in the bedroom and started again. And I found it right away and then lost it quickly. But I found it. So I worked for 5 more minutes and found it again for a long time and Boh's heartrate was good. I used it on Monday morning again and found Boh within a few minutes again.

Ted and I talk about the future more now.....daycare when I have to go back to work (wish I could stay home), things we will do with Boh, what our evenings will be like when we get home from work and have dinner and homework and bedtime to take care of. I love these conversations and the fact that we can actually have them and believe most of the time that Boh will be coming home with us from the hospital.

I bought something for Boh this week. I was in Indigo and saw a shelf of baby things on sale. There was one foot/hand print mold but it was only big enough for one foot or hand of a full-term baby. I thought about getting it in case Boh doesn't make it (it could fit 2 handprints and 2 footprints of a preemie), but I didn't want to buy something on that assumption (and I will ask someone to go and get it at the time if that happens). Then I saw a pacifier for 75% that is bpa and pvc free. I don't plan of using a pacifier with Boh unless Boh is just one of the babies who really wants one. I put it down, picked it up, down it down again. Then figured I should get it. If I put it down, the universe might take it as some kind of sign. Silly, I know, but the thought bothered me so I bought it.

The 13 week belly shot.

12 weeks and IPS and everything is great

2012-02-07T18:50:00.010-06:00

We hit 2 milestones today - 12 weeks pregnant and I had the IPS done.

12 weeks seemed so unattainable until the past week. It was always a goal, but we didn't really believe that we would really achieve it until recently and then we hoped and hoped some more.

Boh is looking great! I went to the new ultrasound place for the ultrasound. Ted wasn't allowed in until all the measurements had been taken and it was stressful for him, especially when he heard someone come out of a room, talk to someone else and say "Oh darn". His heart dropped and his fear increased.

Here is a video of Boh from today (yes, they actually let me take a video!).

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

The ultrasound tech didn't let me see the screen for the first 20 minutes or so. As soon as she started the scan, I wanted to ask if the baby is alive, but I held back and she measured things and didn't look alarmed so I figured all was well (the fact that I found Boh's heartbeat with the doppler in less than 10 seconds on Sunday helped). She then said that the baby is moving and jumping all around and I realized just how tense I had been. After a while longer, she said that the baby has 2 legs, 2 arms, 5 fingers on each hand and I felt so much relief (the last 2 ultrasounds done when Jacob was alive brought us some bad news about his left foot and they didn't get a clear picture of his fingers and we didn't know why at the time). She was pressing pretty hard with the wand and told me to tell her if it hurt. It did hurt because my bladder was so full and I mentioned it but said it was fine. After about 10 minutes she said I could go to the bathroom and then pressed just as hard when I got back. I was worried that it might be hurting Boh or the amniotic sac, so I said that it hurt but I'm just concerned that it might hurt the baby somehow. She assured me it was fine. I had visions of amniotic bands breaking loose as I tried to remember if the guy who did the ultrasound for Jacob at 12 weeks pressed that hard.

I didn't know what their policy would be on telling me information, but figured I didn't have anything to lose, so before I went to the bathroom, I asked what the NT measurement is and it is 1.1!!!! So relieved by that. Jacob's was 2.9 and anything under 3 is normal, but I am happy that it is far under 3.

Boh was moving around a lot, apparently, making it hard for her to get measurements. She turned the screen to me briefly here and there and there was one shot when I got such a good look at Boh's face I could hardly believe it. Of course Boh is much younger than Jacob was, but I can't say that they looked much alike. I assumed that that picture would be on the CD of pictures that I bought, but it wasn't. I saw Boh stretch a few times and suck his/her thumb which was just adorable.

Once she got her measurements, she turned the screen to me again and we watched Boh for a few minutes. I just stared at Boh's profile and thought how much I love that chin and how much I love that nose, etc. and I started to feel the tears come.

She told me at the beginning that her supervisor would be coming in to check on things (I don't know why exactly, maybe she's completing some experience requirement or something). She got her supervisor who was pleasant and who did not press as hard as the first woman. She asked her if she measured the cervix, but she hadn't and the supervisor frowned a little and did it (of course, my bladder wasn't full anymore at that point). She also checked the measurements on other things and said that the baby looks great.

At some point during the exam with the first woman, I had mentioned my first IPS and she asked if this was my second or third pregnancy and how many kids I have. I said that I have no living children and have lost at 21 weeks, 5 weeks, 10 weeks and 11 weeks. She spent some time after that saying how good Boh looks, how active etc and how she thinks everything will be fine.

After the supervisor was done, they called Ted in. I was lying on the bed and could see him coming so I gave him a thumbs up and could see him relax and he just grinned. I asked if we could take a video and was kind of shocked when she said yes. Ted grabbed the camera and I filmed while we both watched Boh.

Here are some more pictures from today (there are a lot - I can't help myself):

Legs are at the top, belly in the middle.

We were on Cloud 9 after the ultrasound. Smiling all the time, laughing sometimes, amazed that we are lucky enough to be here again.I realized that, although I have loved Boh since the moment I found out I was pregnant, I haven't bonded with Boh the way I did with Jacob right from the start. I'm not proud of it and in no way would it have made it easier if Boh hadn't made it this far, but it's just the way it is after a loss, after recurrent loss. But all that is gone now and I am smitten with this baby.

I went to do the bloodwork portion and Ted went back to work. I called my Mom on the way back and told her the good news and she was/is excited. Once I got to work, I ate lunch (it was after 2:30 and I was starving) and showed the pictures and video to two of my colleagues in my department. There are a few more that I have to tell, but I just don't feel like it yet. I'll probably do it by the end of the week). When Sheila was watching the video, she asked if I cried at the ultrasound and I said that I did a little and she said that she felt like it from watching the video.I also emailed the ultrasound pictures to my sisters, Dad and friend.

Here is a belly shot from this morning.

Physically, the only improvement has been that I'm not as tired in the afternoon. I still feel nauseous throughout the day, with the worst of it at night. I've thrown up twice in the past week...once after dinner and once after breakfast. I'm usually asleep on the couch by 10pm or 10:30 at the latest. I'm still having trouble taking a deep breath, although that might be getting slightly better. Doesn't feel like it when I wake up in the middle of the night and struggle with it before I fall asleep again. I get up about 2 times a night to pee. I have vivid dreams. Last night I had a dream that I was visiting the Duggar's and they found out that their baby didn't have a heart beat at the IPS (even though I know it was at the anatomy scan in real life) and woke up with my heart pounding. I have headaches that get really bad and then are gone 2 hours later. I get hiccups about once a day but they don't last long. I also get congested for a few hours here and there. Ted still cooks every night because I feel too sick too. He has made some amazing meals. So good, I took pictures of them. I try to do the dishes after, but don't usually succeed.

On Sunday we went to Jessie's house for Lindsay's birthday. I brought the doppler with me because Lindsay said that she wanted to hear the baby's heartbeat. I told everyone when we got there that I brought it, but waited for someone to ask to use it before I brought it out. I was beginning to think that they didn't really want to when Jessie asked. So me, Lindsay, Jessie, Mom, Laurie, Ben and Danny all went into Jessie's bedroom (I didn't want my brothers-in-law to come in until I found it since I still have to search pretty low for Boh's heartbeat. Well, it was amazing. I found Boh's heartbeat in less than 10 seconds and it was nice and strong. Lindsay or Jessie asked if they should get Ted and did. He was so relieved and Jessie started taking pictures and did a video of everyone in the room with Boh's heartbeat heard during the video. The highest reading I got was 177, but it hovered in the 160s for the most part. Then everyone want to hear theirs, so everyone had the doppler wand up on their neck for awhile while we listened to their heart beating. It was just a nice thing to do with everyone.

Last Wednesday was 20 months since Jacob was born. Each anniversary is easier, but a piece of my heart is always missing.

After we got home from work, Ted went upstairs for a few minutes and then came down. I went up after him to change and saw this on our dresser. Jacob's picture is in the frame and Boh's is under it. It brought tears to my eyes.

My heart is so full for these two. Just wish I could
have them both in my arms.

We felt happiness today like we haven't felt in a very long time and I can't even begin to say how nice it feels.

First OB appointment

2012-02-05T07:34:00.000-06:00

I had my first appointment with my OB, Dr. A, on Thursday February 2nd. This is the same OB that I saw when I was pregnant with Jacob and during 2 of my 3 miscarriages (the third miscarriage was handled at the infertility clinic I was going to at the time(.

My appointment with her was great and just about everything that I hoped it would be. It wasn't that hard being in her office (the anticipation of being there was worse), although it helped that the door to the room that I had my last appointment with Jacob was closed so I didn't have to look in there (I have to walk by it to get to the scale). I also peed on the stick to measure protein, which I haven't done for 20 months.

The main thing is that she found Boh's heartbeat. It took about 5 minutes and I kept thinking that she was going to give up, but she was pretty determined to find it. She said a few things while she was trying that made me think that she was getting nervous about it. When she did find it, we were all just smiling at each other while we listened. After she finished, she asked if anyone else's mouth had been getting dry while she was trying. She said that Jan, the nurse, would be really happy to hear that we heard it and she was (she said she had been holding her breath). I loved all that. Dr. A also touched my knee a few times, gave me a high five, shook Ted's hand twice, squeezed my hand really hard after finding the heartbeat and hugged me before I left.

We went over the IPS stuff and she started explaining it, but then stopped saying that I probably know all that stuff anyway and could teach a course on it. She did mention that the IPS can also predict the likelihood of loss, but I forgot to ask her what she meant exactly....the likelihood based on the many things it looks for? Anyway, she said she would be watching me and the results of the tests closely because of my history of loss and my bicornuate uterus.

I can stop the PregVit 5 and just go on the regular PregVit. There was some discrepancy in the timeline calculations. For some reason TCART said I'm due on August 25th, which is funny since they did the ultrasounds that put me at a due date of August 21st. Andrighetti calculated Augst 20th. We'll see what the IPS puts me at on Tuesday, but I'm pretty sure that I'm 11 weeks, 3 days now although Boh was measuring a day ahead on the 2nd and 3rd u/s I had.

Before the appointment, Jan called me twice and said to come later because she was running behind and then had to go to the hospital for a second delivery so it was nice that we weren't just sitting in the waiting room the whole time. They didn't do that when I was pregnant with Jacob, but did do that when I was coming in for appointments after we lost him.

We were on cloud 9 after leaving. We got Swiss Chalet to celebrate. I got up at 5am to pee and had the terrible pain in my abdomen again, the same as I had a few weeks ago. As soon as I lay back down, it went away. I have to look back and see if I had Swiss Chalet that night too. I felt fine when I got up for work.

My nausea is getting worse and worse lately. I used to be ok in the morning but now I have powerful dry heaves. I threw up on Friday night and just feel sick all day, with very brief periods of not feeling too bad. that's why it's taken me so long to get this post up.

My breasts don't hurt as much since stopping the progesterone, but it hasn't impacted the nausea. I am trying to make myself drink water, even if it makes me feel sick. I started having dry heaves just writing that sentence. I better go lie down.

11 weeks

2012-01-31T19:03:00.000-06:00

My belly has gotten a lot bigger over the past week. I have my hand on it all the time, sometimes where Boh actually is and sometimes just over the big mound (it looks bigger in person than it does in the pictures). I wake up at night with my arm wrapped around my belly. I just love the feel of it. I've been looking over the belly pictures we've been taking since 7 weeks and I can see the difference. I'm trying to figure out how to make a collage of all the pictures, but for now I'll post one at 7 weeks and one at 11 weeks. Don't mind my appearance, these are always taken about 10 minutes after I wake up before we go to work.

7 weeks

We are taking a bit of a break from the doppler. We've always found Boh's heartbeat, but sometimes it can take 30 minutes and it gets really stressful. I'm ok until about 20 minutes of trying and then I start to panic a little. Ted starts to get worried after about 1 minute and said that he just can't take it anymore. He is nervous from the minute I take the doppler out until we find Boh's heartbeat. Even after we find it, he is quiet for awhile after and eventually tells me how scared he is of losing Boh and of being hurt again. The last time we used it was Sunday night. I might get up early on Thursday and use it because I'm seeing Dr. A that afternoon and I'd just like the reassurance before going in. I'm a bit nervous enough being in her office again, so hopefully hearing Boh's heartbeat that morning will help a little.

I've been thinking more about seeing Dr. A again as the appointment gets closer. I know I'm in good hands, but I'm getting nervous about it, about being in the same office I was in when I found out that Jacob was gone. I've been there a few times since, but never while pregnant with a living baby. What will it be like when I'm lying on the table and she is using the doppler, looking for Boh's heartbeat? I know I'll have flashbacks to her doing the same for Jacob. I'll have to stare at Ted's face or something while she's doing it, anywhere but at her face and/or the ceiling, which is what I did on May 31, 2010.

I have been feeling worse over the past 2 weeks. I haven't thrown up in the past week, but I just feel pretty bad at night and look forward to 10pm when I usually fall asleep. Some nights I have my throw up bowl in my hands, other nights it is on the floor beside the couch. This morning I had dry heaves for about 2 minutes because I poured some water out of a container into the sink. I woke up with a headache at 3am this morning and lots of sinus pressure, but by 3pm this afternoon, the headache was gone and the pressure a lot better. My breathing is getting better. I haven't had any trouble taking a deep breath today and almost no trouble yesterday. Maybe I can stop sleeping with 3 pillows now. I did see some improvement in the nausea today though. Usually by the afternoon, I'm tired and feeling a little nauseous and just want to go home and I'm just putting in time until it's time to go. This afternoon I was working and realized that it was 3:30pm and I hadn't thought that yet. I only had 2 suckers while at work when I had a wave of nausea. As long as it doesn't mean anything bad, it's nice to be feeling a little better in the afternoon.

If I don't want people at work to guess about my pregnancy yet, I'm going to have to start wearing baggier tops. I don't really care if they do guess, but maybe I should tell 2 of the 3 directors I work with about it before they guess (the 3rd already knows).

I also found a new ultrasound place to go to for the IPS screening. I called around after making the first appointment at the same place I went to with Jacob and I found a place that will give me a CD of pictures for $15, which is much better than the 1 or 2 I would get at the other place. The reception said that I might be able to take a video too, but perhaps she doesn't realize how strict the techs typically are about it. I just hope she will tell me the neck measurement, but if not, I'll call Dr. A's office a day or two later and find out.

The appointment at the second place is on Tuesday, February 7th. I could have gone on the 6th, but I remembered recently that I have an appointment to get my eyes checked that day. I would cancel that of course, but I missed an appointment at the same place when I was having my first anatomy scan with Jacob because of the bleeding. Cancelling it again for another ultrasound made me uncomfortable.

I weighed myself for the first time since getting pregnant and I've gained 5 pounds, which isn't surprising since I drink juice everyday (I didn't before I was pregnant) and I eat way more than I did before. Most of my pants are getting tight and I love it.