3D Ultrasound - 27 weeks, 5 days

We got to see our girl again today and it was AMAZING. These ultrasounds are expensive, but so worth it.

We only have 2 pictures at this point, I'll explain why below. But here they are:

That is her left hand on her forehead and her right foot near her
left eye. You can see an eyebrow above her right eye

The only picture we got of just her face. A little blurry,
but it's something

I was so nervous and excited this morning. I think it was more anticipation than nervousness, but my heart kept beating fast. The two women who were there for the scan were really nice. My Mom and Dad came as well and Mom told them before they started that this isn't my first baby, that my first was didn't make it. They were so nice about it. I told them that I was 21 weeks pregnant when he was born and they said how sorry they were, that they had both had early miscarriages which had been horrible so they can't even imagine. They asked if we knew why he died so I explained that an amniotic band wrapped around the umbilical cord. My Mom told them that I've had 3 miscarriages too. I was really glad she did. I don't know if that's why they tried so hard to get a good picture of her face or if they would have anyway. I think they would have anyway since, if they hadn't, we wouldn't recommend them to others. I definitely would at this point.

So she started with a 2D ultrasound and right away we could see Emily opening her mouth and sticking her tongue out. It was so adorable. Her head was/is on my left side and her bum on my right. I'm not surprised about that because I often get a hard spot on both sides, more often on the left the past few days. I also get a small hard spot on my upper right, which I thought must be a knee or heel and it looks like I was right.

Emily was so funny. Her legs were parallel to her torso - right up her front, slightly bent at first and then completely straight - and her feet were at her forehead. And she stayed like that for a long time. They commented on what long legs she has and said they think she will be really tall. That's why we didn't get a really clear picture of just her face, there was always at least one foot in the way. But we got excellent pictures of her feet and ankles and legs.  We listened to her heartbeat and her heart rate was 160bpm.  We saw her heart, her stomach, her spine, her ribs...even her teeth buds. We were all just in awe. We could even see the blood flow through her umbilical cord and where the cord goes into her belly.  Eventually we could see that her bladder was full and the ultrasound tech that sometimes you can see it emptying, but she didn't pee while we were watching.  The ultrasound tech flipped from 2D to 3D as we waited for her to move her feet away.

We couldn't see her face at all at first, just her chin sometimes. So we had a good look at her ankles, feet, heels, the back of her legs and her left arm. When we were talking about her position, the tech said said that sometimes the babies get their toes stuck in their nostrils in that position. That didn't happen with Emily, but it is pretty funny. We got some clear pictures of her feet, toes and her fingers, something else that was really high on my list of must haves and they are perfect and I felt like crying when I saw them. So perfect.  They commented on what long fingers and toes she has. We got a glimpse of her cheeks and they are huge! We thought she had big cheeks from the anatomy scan, but you can't really tell for sure with a 2D. I had really big cheeks when I was born. So big that they looked funny if I was lying on my back. So when my Mom heard anything come into the room, she would sit me up a little if she was holding me and then I looked really cute (according to her, who am I to disagree).

Since her legs were both up near her face, they had a look just to confirm that she is a girl and she is :) I could also see the umbilical cord going up across her chest and over her left shoulder. While in 2D, they pointed out the placenta, which looked like a fluffy cloud.

It seems that she fell asleep a few minutes into the scan. About 30 minutes before the scan, I had a glass of juice and 3 cookies, hoping that would wake her up since she had already had a nap during the morning. During the scan, they gave me some apple juice and we waited a few minutes, but it didn't do anything. In fact, she was more relaxed. Her head was tipped back, her neck extended, when we looked again, with her forehead was pressing into the side of my uterus. We could see her jaw, chin, lips and nostrils, but nothing above that because of the position of her head.

It was also funny that she slept so much because she does not like things pressing against my belly. She doesn't like the doppler, has been active for all other ultrasounds, and even kicks my arm quickly if it is on my belly. She did kick a few times, and hard enough that the ultrasound tech (I didn't get her name), felt it, but she just wouldn't move her legs. So I got up to walk around for 5 minutes and they gave me 2 pieces of chocolate. I said how she didn't move much after I did the diabetes test when I had 50g of sugar in 5 minutes, but hopefully it would work. I moved around and put some light pressure on my belly, hoping. I was getting worried that we would never get a clear image of her face and felt disappointed and knew that I would cry all the way home.

I lay back down and she had moved one foot from her face, but the one was still up there and so was an arm. She had taken her face out of the side of my uterus though, so that made me more hopeful. While in the 2D mode, we saw her move her leg from her face, so she quickly switched to 3D and got a quick glance, but couldn't see her whole face again. She asked if I could turn on my right side if it wasn't too uncomfortable and I said that I would do anything to see her face.

Turning on the right helped. She was still covering her face but had moved her leg and hand slightly and we finally saw her face. That is when we got the pictures above. As soon as I saw the glimpse of her face, I felt so much relief and felt very emotional. I wished that I could look at Ted, but he was to the left of the bed and I didn't dare move in case she did. Ted later told me that when he saw her face, his heart just jumped and it was such an amazing moment.

At one point, she had her foot under chin, like it was supporting her head, and one hand across the top of her head with her fingers spread out over her forehead. Eventually her foot moved and her left hand was holding on to the bottom of her left foot, while her other hand was still up by her forehead. They started saying that I might have to come back again so that they could get a clearer image of her face. The images of everything else were so clear, they couldn't have been better, but we just couldn't get one of her face. I relaxed then too, knowing that this wasn't our only chance. Eventually I asked if another visit would be covered by the same fee paid for this one and they said it would be.

They tried some more, but my stubborn girl just wouldn't move so they said that I'll have to come back, which is just fine with me. The more times I can see her, the better. At first we were going to make an evening appointment. They had an availability on on the 31st but I really didn't want an ultrasound that day, 2 years from the day I had 2 to confirm that Jacob had died. Then I remembered that I have a doctor's appointment on the 30th anyway, so I'll just leave work a little earlier and go for the ultrasound first.

I don't know what I can do to try to make her move, since the usual tricks didn't work. Maybe I will experiment with a bit of caffeine (just a cup of tea), which I don't have much of these days.

Mom and Dad treated us for lunch after and I couldn't stop looking at her pictures. We didn't get the CD or DVD yet because they are just going to use the same ones and add to them at the next appointment, so there will be more pictures coming soon!

We went out and ran some errands after and I just felt so giddy and happy and still do.

27 weeks

My belly measure 39 inches around now. Ted said two people came to him at work today and asked him when I'm due because I look so big. I LOVE having a big belly. I think my favourite spot to put my hands is near the bottom. There is just such a nice curve, I love how I can feel it sticking out and curving at the same time. I wish I could bottle the feeling of my belly and the feeling of her kicks for after she's born, so that I can always have a way of feeling it. I already miss both feelings, and I still have them.

Last night Ted said that my belly is really out front now and not as wide. My friend at work has been away for a week and when she got in this morning, she came over right away to see my belly and said the same thing.

I hadn't had the pain in the back of my pelvis in awhile, but it started up again right at 26 weeks. I'll be walking and feeling fine, then suddenly have a stabbing pain in my pack, right over the left pelvic bone. It comes and goes, but it does make me limp when it's there. I didn't have it all weekend, but today it came back with a vengeance.

Have I mentioned that my lactose intolerance is barely there? I can eat cheese, put milk on my cereal and eat ice cream without any bad side effects. It's so nice.

I went to a luncheon function through work last week. I went to so many of these after Jacob died and saw pregnant women everywhere and it was hard. It was so nice to go and be the pregnant one. I loved that I had to take the long way to our table because I couldn't squeeze between the other tables to get to it.

I've used the doppler twice during the past week. On the 16th I just felt like using it and her heart rate came up right away at 164, then she moved away and I had to chase her a little bit to get it again.

I used it again today at Ted's request. He doesn't normally ask me to use it...usually he feels a lot of stress when I do so I use it when he isn't nearby. But today he has just felt so worried. I noticed that he had his hand on my belly a lot last night while we were sleeping, but didn't think that it was because he was worried. Turns out that he didn't sleep well at all because he just couldn't push the worry aside. It didn't help that he didn't feel her move during the night. I felt her move when I got up to pee (twice), but she settled down quickly. When she did move, it was on my left side, which was against the pillow. He told me about this as we were on our way to work and anxiously asked if she has moved. He called me mid-morning just to check on her movement and then really opened up about just how worried he has been today. On our way home, he asked me to use the doppler, which I did and got her heartbeat right away. I haven't recorded it in awhile, so I did today. Her heartrate was so easy to hear, with no interference from mine or other noises, which is usually the case. She didn't move away from it either so there was no chasing around trying to keep it on the doppler.

He is so excited for Emily, but is scared to be excited. He wants to start working on her room, but is scared. Scared that the universe will see how happy he is again, how he can't wait to raise her, and she will be taken away. We've gotten excited before and had it taken away. It's scary. I think it was when I was pregnant with Cub and worried about buying two cute sleepers that I saw. Ted encouraged me too, saying that if I feel like doing something for the baby I should. We don't know what tomorrow will bring, but we can enjoy the moment. That really changed my thinking. I had planned to just have the absolute essentials for when I have a baby, but now I'm just assuming that she will live and we'll bring her home and I am having so much fun buying her clothes, choosing a stroller, researching and buying cloth diapers. I'm still scared, but I just want to have as normal a pregnancy as possible with her. I want her to have parents that expect the best to happen, that enjoy all the "normal" things in pregnancy. So the guy who gave me that excellent advice and changed my way of thinking is having trouble doing it himself because the fear is overwhelming.

I think it is easier to be the pregnant one out of the two of us. I always know when she has kicked or squirmed, but he doesn't. I tell him often, but there are still hours and hours when I don't talk about it. I don't mention every single movement. I also don't mention when I haven't felt her in a few hours as I figure there is no need to worry him unless I'm really worried. I know the tricks to make her move now and always get a response after a few minutes. This girl just doesn't like anything resting on my belly :)

I've started to have cramps in my calves during the night, but not every night and I can get rid of them quickly. They hurt quite a bit though and my calves feel stiff and sore for the rest of the day. I got them much earlier with Jacob...they happened most nights as we got closer to 5 months.

I also had a bit of insomnia this week. On May 17th I couldn't get comfortable after getting back into bed after getting up to pee. It didn't help that it is getting harder and harder to take a deep breath. So I just got up so that Ted could sleep and sat on the couch from about 4am until it was time to get ready for work. Amazingly I wasn't tired all day either.

I managed to get her movement on video while I waited for it to be 6:30, so it was time very well spent.

Ted has put his face against my belly a few times this week and told Emily how happy she has made us and how he just can't wait. We were sitting on the couch after watching TV and I had a vision of Emily sitting between us one day.

On May 18th, we were driving to work and Emily was moving a lot. As we sat in the car waiting for the GO train, Emily was still kicking or punching me. I told Ted to feel and he said that it is the strongest he has ever felt her move.

I've had to answer the question "is this your first" 3 times this week. Each time I just said yes, then said to myself "the first to make it this far". Once was a the luncheon, at a table of people, and it was just easier to say yes. Another was a woman at a baby store who was just so excited and asking questions. When she asked, I hesitated as I always do, and said yes. I was with my Mom at the time and she caught my eye and then later asked if I said that just so that I wouldn't make the woman uncomfortable. I love that my Mom said that, that she wouldn't have minded a bit if I had said that this isn't my first.

My lower belly has been feeling heavier over the past week and Emily is sticking her head or bum out a few times a day. Today I felt so much squirming and movement, but not kicks, around 4pm and then something really hard pressing against the upper right side. I wonder if she turned around. I wish I could know how she is positioned and what she is doing in there all the time.

I believe that she woke me up for the first time on May 19th. I wake up several times a night because I'm thirsty, need to pee, or my left shoulder or hip is hurting from laying on my left side most of the night. But this time I was fine and realized that she was moving around, kicking and squirming, and that she probably woke me up. It made me so happy.

I'm having so much fun looking at cloth diapers. I have 5 right now and found a deal online where they were half price. I ordered 4 and can't wait to get them. I would have ordered more, but I'm not sure of the make so didn't want to have a ton of them in case they aren't so great. I also joined a cloth diapering facebook group and joined a group order to get a bunch of diapers wholesale for really cheap. I think I've requested 5 of them and it comes to under $30, which is amazing for cloth diapers.

We've been trying to find a nice rocking chair to put in Emily's room. I wanted something well-cushioned since I figured that I will likely be sleeping it in a lot. Everything we liked was around $400+. Then one day Ted remembered the recliner we have in the basement. I can't believe we didn't think of it sooner. We just bought a nice cover for it and it's like a new chair! I love thinking that we just saved so much money and we have a really comfortable chair. I might start sleeping in it once in a while now because it's easier to breath sitting up.

I got a slight sunburn on my legs this weekend, from sitting out for less than an hour. I used to be able to be in the sun for 12 hours and I might get a tan. Since I got pregnant with the twins, I burn really easily.

I went out with my Mom on Sunday and she finally got to feel Emily move as we were watching a movie (Emily had the hiccups). We also went shopping bought Emily some more clothes. We found such cute things. I don't have them with me as she took them home, so I don't have any pictures yet. However, my Mom has been busy on her own and gave me these clothes that she has collected over the last few weeks (and there are more she hasn't given me yet).

She also found a dress that my Grandmother knit for me and I wore as a baby. She is washing it and then, hopefully, I will be able to dress Emily in it.

This past weekend was a long weekend and it was so nice to have an extra day to relax. I bought a few more maternity clothes and I might have enough to get through the summer now. I visited Jessie at the gallery on Friday afternoon and had some belly rubs, then Jessie came to visit on Monday, with Mom and Laurie and the kids. It was nice spending time with all of them. Lindsay has gone to the Canary Islands and then Russia for work and will be back at the beginning of June. I'm having a 3D/4D ultrasound done this Saturday morning and she made me promise not to have a "DVD party" until she gets back.

I am so looking forward to the ultrasound. It has been 8 weeks since we've seen Emily. I'll definitely be posting pictures here after it.

And now for this week's self-portraits

At my desk today. My belly looks smaller here than it does
when I'm standing up. 

I bought this skirt when I was pregnant
with Jacob, but never got the chance to
wear it. I love how this shirt hugs my belly.
This picture is a little blurry, but the belly isn't
and that's the most important part :)

My belly is so big now, it's hard to understand how my skin can stretch this much, and there is still 13 weeks to go (I hope!).

26 weeks and Boh's name!

She weighs almost 2 lbs (I've gained 25!) and can open her eyes now.

I don't normally post bare-belly shots, but I feel like it today so here it is:

I don't get as scared now when she doesn't move around at night (well, I don't lie in bed awake worrying). I know that sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't and that is just her routine. Of course, on the nights when she doesn't, I count the minutes after getting up until she moves and it doesn't mean that I don't change position during the night just to encourage her. Some nights she moves around a lot after I get up to pee or change positions, other nights she doesn't. I prefer the nights that she does.

Her kicks are getting higher and higher. She hasn't gotten to my ribs yet, but she has gotten very close. Her favourite places seem to be the left or right side, about halfway up my belly. I also feel a lot of movement across the bottom, like little feet are going for a walk across it. I love it. There are also lots of wiggling movements and sometimes it feels like she is just lightly tapping and tickling me.

I can usually see her movements through my shirt and will sit on the GO train or subway, at my desk, in a meeting...wherever, watching my belly when she is active.

I have felt a hard spot a few times over the past week on the lower right side. I feel some pressure there, and when I feel it, there is a hard round surface. I don't know if it's her head or her bum, I'm guessing her head. I love when it happens. Ted has felt it a few times. It is so amazing.

I have had to pee a lot more often over the past week. I don't have the stabbing pain that I had near my cervix when I was about 4 months pregnant, but I do get lots of bladder kicks and internal kicks. When she kicks my bladder I realize that it's good I pee so often because if she gave me one of those big kicks when my bladder is full it might be awkward if I'm somewhere and don't have a change of clothes. It hasn't happened yet, but I won't be surprised when/if it does.

I have also been more tired over the past week, falling asleep in the GO train more often and on the couch around 10pm most nights. I just love falling asleep on the couch for some reason.

I got some silly advice this week from a coworker - not to walk up or down stairs. I live in a 2 story house, I go out in public. They are kind of unavoidable and I usually choose to take them so I'm get some kind of exercise, as little as it it. This person also told Ted a few months after Jacob died that I walked too much when I was pregnant with him (I didn't walk any extreme distance...not even close. Maybe 30 minutes a day total). I don't know how going up and down stairs is supposed to make any difference if I'm not on bedrest. It was just one of those funny, kind of aggravating, things (especially since she acted like we did something wrong by walking when I was pregnant with Jacob).

I went to the HR person at work to discuss my vacation time and maternity leave and got some good news. I discovered before going to see her that I have a lot of vacation time (25 days) saved up and I will still earn vacation days while on maternity leave. Because I will be on maternity leave, the carry over rules won't apply to me, so I can carry everything over until the end of my maternity leave and basically have more than a year off. So I've decided to work until the end of July, rather than the week before my due date (I'll be huge, taking the train to and from work everyday and it will be hot). Because we get half-day Fridays in the summer, it will be 12.5 vacation days if the baby doesn't come early. If she does, then maternity leave starts right away but I can use the vacation days at the end of my leave). I haven't told the directors in my department when I'm going to stop working yet, but will soon.

I had a nice lunch with Jennifer, Angel's Mom. She was so sweet and bought me something for my birthday and for Boh.

She gave the statue in the middle. Jacob is on
the right, Boh on the left. 

I've had some emotional moments over the past week. Something will set me off, something silly, and I will end up crying in our bedroom for a few minutes, always because I miss Jacob. In a way it feels good to cry for him again, as it happens much less often than it used it. The pain of losing him was and is terrible, but it isn't as close to the surface as it used to be. When it does surface again, it feels good, it makes me feel closer to him.

My belly has a bit more bounce to it now, which I especially notice when coming down stairs and I find myself holding it and giving it some support. I've had some heartburn the past few nights, the worst I've had yet, and I couldn't lie down on the couch to sleep because of it so I fell asleep partially propped up with a pillow. Grapes do wonders for heartburn (as do ice cream sandwiches, which are my first choice, but I try to make the healthy choice once in a while).

I took some pictures over the past week at work. Our elevators have mirrors on three walls and of course I look at my belly every single time I'm in there. So I figured I should take some pictures in there.

I had to take the picture quickly in case anyone else
got on the elevator. I didn't want to get caught.
I don't think I'll be wearing this sweater much longer. 

It's blurry, and came out black and white, but my
belly looks huge! 

We were at a grocery store last week and a woman saw my belly and said "oohhh, you look so cute!" I loved it :)

My belly button hasn't popped out yet, but is getting flatter. It doesn't look like it is going to happen soon, but who knows. I have a scar under it from a surgery I had when I was 5 months old. Usually it's not very visible, but it looks longer than before as it gets more stretched out.

My birthday was last Friday. I hadn't been dreading it like I did last year, but I did feel moments of sadness throughout the day since Jacob isn't here.The same thing with Mother's Day, when I was asked by the waiter at the restaurant if this is my first. I just said yes, then said quietly after he left "my first to make it this far".

Anyway, back to my birthday.  I got so many nice messages and phone calls and cards.I received this really cute shirt from Allison.

The shirt I received is brown with a pink heart....
it's in the wash, so that why I'm posting this one. 

 I knew that Ted was working on something for my birthday, but didn't really know what other than it was a dinner. I had mentioned that I would love to have an iPad, but didn't think that I would really get it since they are so expensive. Well, I did get one. Turns out that Ted met Lindsay at lunch last Tuesday and bought it. He knew that if he kept it, he would give it to me before we even got home that day, so he told Lindsay to bring it home. She did, and spent a lot of time adding apps to it so that I'd have them to use right away. When we were all at the restaurant, I could tell that Ted was really excited about something and couldn't wait for it to happen. Lindsay and Jessie had to come from Toronto, so they got there a bit later than we did and he couldn't barely stand the wait. Pretty quickly they handed me a wrapped box and I hoped, but still didn't really expect it to be the iPad. I was so happy and touched and felt so loved. I know it's just an item, but people went to a lot of trouble to get it and everyone contributed to it and it just means a lot to me that they all did that and that they all came out for dinner.

Brian, Lindsay, me and my Mom. And Boh, or course :)
Brian rubbed my belly a lot. 

Speaking of dinner, Ted played a little game on the way to the restaurant. He changed the time that we had to leave a few times, getting closer and closer to the time we were supposed to be there. So I started trying to figure out where he would be taking me, although I didn't tell him my guesses. I knew it had to be close by, but when we pulled out of the driveway, we went the opposite way to the restaurant I was thinking of and he laughed and laughed as he took me down side streets and around the block before driving in the direction of the restaurant. I just loved seeing him feeling so happy in the car, enjoying it so much.

Lindsay took me out for lunch on my birthday and said that Mom talks to her about Boh all the time, about how chubby her cheeks look in the ultrasound, how chubby my cheeks were when I was born. She said that Mom is just so excited and I know that Mom has been buying clothes here and there for her. She found the outfit that I was brought home from the hospital in and is washing it and getting it ready for Boh. It will be so cool to see her in it.

It might be a little weird, but I've been looking up pictures of babies born at 26 weeks to see what they look like. Most of the pictures I find are of babies in the NICU and although they are tiny, it's amazing to think that she is so big inside of me. She is getting close to 2 lbs now, according to all the weekly updates I read.

Last night I was trying to get her movements on video. As I watched one of the videos, I noticed some red lines across the bottom of my belly, low enough that I can't see them unless I'm using a mirror or taking a picture of them. I got Ted to look at them and he thinks they are stretch marks! I was so hopeful that I wouldn't get any. My Mom didn't get any and neither did my sister, so I thought the odds were in my favour. I hope that it was just some creases from the pants I was wearing and I think that was part of it because they aren't nearly as visible today, but Ted said he can still see some thin white lines. I'm not really complaining about them because I really don't care as long as Boh is ok.

We went to some garage sales on Saturday and we got Boh a few items and a cute rocking horse that will be perfect when she is about 2. It is made of wood with wool for the mane and tail. We went to Costco after and got her two sleepers and 2 outfits. I got home and did an inventory of all the clothes we have for her because I want to make sure that I don't keep buying a lot of items for one size and don't have enough of other sizes. I was just going to get one of the sleepers and outfits before (they come as a set), but I just couldn't decide so I got both.

These are onesies and hats my Mom bought for Boh.

One night when I was half asleep on the couch, Ted reached over to rub my belly and kiss it and started to take pictures of his hands on my belly.

I woke up more and took this picture. It was totally his idea. I
doubt he has seen it before on other blogs like I have.

Still reading? This is getting so long and I still have more to say! 

We have seen a lot of bunnies in the backyard over the past 2 weeks or so, including some baby bunnies. I just love watching them. They remind me of Jacob. We've also seen some butterflies. We got home from work one day and we saw 5 butterflies in our side yard, two of which were flying around together (which we assigned as the twins). 5 butterflies, 5 lost babies. I love that Ted pointed them out to me and thought the same thing I did. 

Here is an interesting belly picture, higher on the right side than the left as it has been since early in the pregnancy (it was higher on the left with Jacob). This is the best picture that I've been able to get of this. 

She will usually kick me if there is something pressing on my belly....my waistband is putting even the tiniest bit of pressure or my arm is resting on it. She'll either kick my arm or kick somewhere else. But if she is awake and there is pressure on it, not matter how slight, she does what she can to get rid of it. I have to admit that sometimes I do it just to make her move when I haven't felt her for awhile. 

Ok, onto belly videos. I try and I try and I try. For every 10 videos I take, I might get one with movement but it is so worth it when I do. My little trickster seems to know when the camera comes out as she often stops moving, or moves to the other side of my belly, even if I didn't have to move to get the camera (I keep it beside me at night just in case I get a good opportunity). She can also be kicking a lot and as soon as someone who has been waiting to feel her move puts their hand on my belly, she stops (although a few people have felt her).

Here are the best videos of the week. 

May 12 - There is movement near my belly button in this one.

May 14 - It happens on the right side. 

We decided on Boh's first name about a month ago and have been calling her it ever since. We have narrowed down her second name to one of two names. 

Her first name is......

Emily

25 weeks!

When I loaded the belly pictures from this morning onto the computer, I was shocked at how huge my belly is. I look at it hundreds of times a day, but I was still surprised. We also take pictures of my bare belly every week and I had to look at them a few times. I love how big I am. In some of them, I look like I am 8 months pregnant.

This picture was taken on May 3rd after my doctor's appointment and I can see a big difference between then and now.

I tried to get a video of her moving several times this week, but didn't, or at least not anything big enough to see well. She has a big moving session and I get the camera and she stops, even if the camera was within arms reach and I didn't have to move much to get it.

We saw a new kind of movement this week. Boh has been squirming around a lot and I have felt her changing position (and sometimes a little hard spot on one of my sides...head or bum?). I was sitting on the couch with my shirt pulled up the other day, which I do often because I love looking at my belly, and I saw a ripple from my right to left side. Ted was sitting a few feet away so we both stared at my belly and she did it again and we both saw it. It was so great.

Sometimes I wonder if, after Boh is in my arms, will I look back and wonder if I appreciated being pregnant enough? I was saying this to Ted last night and neither of us can see how we could be appreciating and enjoying it anymore than we are. I can't even put into words how happy this little girl makes us, how much I love rubbing my belly, looking down at it and looking at it in mirrors. Every movement I feel makes me smile. I wake up at night, go to the bathroom and lie in bed awake hoping to feel her move because I haven't felt it in a few hours and I miss it already.

I love walking down the street and seeing people look at my belly. I love sitting somewhere and rubbing my belly or at least feeling it on my arms. Each time I get dressed in the morning and changed at night, I look at my belly while I'm changing and then when I have the new shirt on.

My breasts are getting bigger and bigger. I have a few bras that were too big for me and had been put away. I got them out the other day and now one of them fits me perfectly and the other is too small!

More and more, she is kicking any area of my belly that has any pressure on it. At work last Wednesday I was reading something and resting my arm across my belly. She had been quiet for a little while and suddenly started kicking the exact spot where my arm was. I moved my arm to the other side and she started kicking there.

On Friday I was pressing on the upper right side of my belly without realizing it and she kicked or punched me 3 times in a row. I just had to try it again to see if it was a fluke and it wasn't, another 3 quick punches or kicks. I just loved it and I fall more in love with her everyday. Also on Friday, Ted had his hand on my belly and she was rubbing up against it. It was the cutest thing. He left his hand there and traced her movement on top of his finger. I didn't even feel it at the time, but I had my hand on my belly the next day and she started doing the same thing.

I've had a bit of tightening in my lower belly for the past week, but it isn't painful or regular and doesn't last long so it doesn't worry me (much). I mentioned it to Dr. A of course, and she said it's fine. It doesn't happen everyday.

My Mom is in a knitting group at church at there are a few women who ask about me all the time. One of them came to her last week and said that a day doesn't go by that she doesn't think about me and pray for me and the baby. I don't think that I've even ever met this woman.

I had my 6 month prenatal appointment last Thursday. Boh was so quiet that day. She didn't move around when I got up to pee and I felt some squirming in the morning, but no big movements. It didn't leave me in a panic, but I was worried. We had enough time to go home from work before my appointment, so I used the doppler and sure enough her heart rate was just fine. I even ate a bunch of chocolate that day, just trying to make her move but she didn't respond to it (she also didn't respond much to the 50g of sugar I had today when I went for the diabetes test. If 50g of sugar consumed in less than 5 minutes isn't going to get her moving, a few pieces of chocolate isn't going to).

My doctor's appointment went well on May 3rd. I gained 6 lbs from my appointment last month and they are happy with that. Jan put me in the "good" room as usual, which I always appreciate. Dr. A measured my belly (a first! I loved it) and we went through my questions. I always have them written out on a pad of paper which I have on the bed beside me and she has been looking at it and just reading the questions from there and answering them as she sets up the blood pressure cuff. She said that she likes that I come prepared like that.

I told her about some weird pressure that I had in my left calf last week. I was at work and had been sitting down for about an hour. I got up and felt a lot of pressure in my left calf. It wasn't pain, but it was intense pressure. My leg wasn't swollen or hard so although I thought about a blood clot, I thought it was more likely that I had been sitting funny and cut off the circulation a little. It was lunchtime so I walked around for an hour and it eventually started to feel better. It happened again, on a much smaller scale, the morning of my appointment (which was at 3:30pm) so I told her about it and we spent a lot of time discussing it. She said my leg felt fine (not hard) but blood clots usually appear in the left leg and she wanted me to get an ultrasound of my leg done. I thought she would just give me the requisition and I would make the appointment myself, but she gave it to Jan at the end of the appointment and asked her to call around for me. Jan got me into a place right away so we went straight from Dr. A's office to the vascular ultrasound clinic. I love that, even though she thought it was probably fine, they got didn't take any chances and got me into a place the same day. When we got to the ultrasound clinic, I was seen right away and the tech told me that I didn't have a blood clot.

I booked the 3D ultrasound for May 26th when I'll be almost 28 weeks pregnant. The woman who answered the phone said the usual time frame and that she prefers 29 weeks because they have a little bit more fat on their face, but we really don't want to wait another week.

My Mom and sisters are working hard on my baby shower. It is going to be on July 8th and they got together on Sunday to do some planning. I just have to get them a list of my friends to invite, which I'm working on. It's so surreal that I might get to have a baby shower! Ted and I went to Babies r us to register last night, another surreal moment and a fun one. I had a great time at babies r us but when I got home I was really emotional and cried upstairs for awhile....because we never got to do it with Jacob I think....then I cried because I felt guilty about crying. If Jacob had lived, we wouldn't have done the registry for Boh since I wouldn't have had another baby shower. Then I was mad at myself because I'm pregnant and she is doing well and I have so much to be grateful for and there I was crying. Oh the circles of joy and sorrow and guilt.

Last Friday I went to a specialty baby store in Toronto (Diapereez) and the owner spent about an hour showing me all of the types of cloth diapers. I'm going to register for those too, it's just too bad that her store isn't more central and that she doesn't have an online registry.

On Saturday night I went to see Mom perform in the Clarkson choir. It is the same choir that I was in last year, but felt too sick to go to rehearsals in January, February and March so I didn't join this year. I was looking forward to going and hearing the music, but I was also really looking forward to going there and seeing the other choir members with my big belly. Rita, who is one of the producers, saw me in the bathroom, grabbed my hand and hugged me and asked questions and asked me to "please, please, please" tell her when the baby is born. She has been asking about me since January and I think she knows my history. It was a really nice moment.

On Sunday I spent some time with 2 very good friends. We went for lunch, then visited Jacob's garden and then visited Jennah's resting place. It was nice bringing them to Jacob's place and nice to see Jennah's place. We had Karolina's bear there and took pictures of both places with her bear.
I wasn't sure if I should post about our visit on this blog or Jacob's blog, but I'm just putting it here. These two Mom's are so excited for Boh's arrival and so supportive and their strength amazes me. It hasn't even been a year since each had their babies and then had to say goodbye to them.

The yellow rose in the background is where Jacob is buried

To the right of the picture, you might be able to see a yellow rose. That's
where Jennah is buried. 

Today Ted and I set up the tripod and finally took a picture of the 3 of us, our first family picture. 

Is this your first?

I'm getting that question more and more often and I don't like it. I don't know what to say. No matter how much I think about it, I can't think of an answer that I am happy with other than saying that I have 5 babies who have passed away. But I don't necessarily want to tell every single person who asks me this question that answer. I don't want to always be putting other people in the awkward position of how to respond when I say that. I find that when I do say some combination of one of the answers below, other than saying that this is my first, that I try to overcompensate for their awkwardness by saying that it was very difficult and then acting very cheerful. But if I don't tell them the truth, I have trouble making eye contact with them.

I've said yes to this question a few times...to the cashier at Second Cup, to the older woman who started talking to Ted and I in the baby section at Zeller's. Each time I've said yes, in my head I say "my first to bring home hopefully" or I say a little apology to Jacob, August, Cub and the twins.

Other times I've said no and would be happy to leave it at that, but I always get a follow-up question or comment. That I am an experience Mom then (I said that I wasn't really since my first was stillborn), or they ask how old my first is. This weekend I went to an open house at the school across the road from my house with Laurie, Andy and the kids. They ran into a couple who have a son Ben's age and we ended up walking around with them. I talked to the Dad a lot and the Mom a little. The complicating factor here was that the Mom is 5.5 months pregnant. We talked about which doctor we are both seeing and he told me about the bad birth experience they had with their first. Then he asked if this is my first. I said no and changed the subject, back to talking about the birth of their first son. Awhile later, out of earshot of his wife, he asked how old my first is. I said that he didn't make it, that he would have been 19 months old if he had. A look crossed over his face as he said how sorry he is and I could tell he felt terrible for asking. I said thank you and that I don't mind talking about him so I hope he doesn't feel bad for asking. I told him that I lost him when I was pregnant, that's why I had been reluctant to talk about him, since his wife is pregnant. That is about all that we said about that and we went on to discuss other things. But I felt bad for telling him at all. Why didn't I just say that this is my first to him?

Having had 3 miscarriages after a stillbirth presents another problem. I feel like if I say that my first was stillborn when answering the question, I'm being loyal to Jacob, but not to the babies I miscarried. But I don't really want to list all the babies I've lost to the average stranger. It's very personal and I'm very protective of them and of what has happened to me.

I told the photographer that we hire for events at work on Friday that this isn't my first when we were talking about how big I am. He is a very sweet and we get along great. He had such a good reaction when I told him that my first was stillborn, saying how sorry he was and that his older brother was stillborn. He asked if we were going to have more kids and I said that we'd like to, but just don't know. It took us so long to get to this point (I also told him that I've had 3 miscarriages), what if it takes this long again (and so many other what ifs). At the end of our conversation, he said that he considers this baby my 5th child (I didn't mention that one of the miscarriages was twins). But I love that he acknowledged that I have so many kids.

This morning I was at the grocery store and as the clerk was wrapping up some flowers I bought, she asked the same question. Is this your first? I said no, she's my second but my first girl. Then I felt terrible because she isn't my first girl, August and/or Cub might have been girls and the twins were. She said that I have the million dollar family. I just smiled and was glad when I was done there and could leave.

It doesn't seem to matter how many times I'm asked, I always hesitate and make a split second decision on how I'm going to answer and either way I end up feeling bad. Bad for not acknowledging my first baby and/or my second, third, fourth and fifth babies and bad for making another person uncomfortable when they have asked what they think is an innocent question.

For those who are pregnant with their rainbow or who have had their rainbow baby, how did you answer this question? 

24 weeks!

I get to say that I'm 6 months pregnant now! I love it! It's one more new thing that I get to do with this baby that I never got to do with Jacob, August, Cub or the twins. I love when someone asks me how far along I am and I can say 6 months. I love that Boh is kicking away as I write this.

There are many times when I look at myself in the mirror or look down and can't believe how lucky I am. I hug my belly, tell Boh how much I love her and just feel so incredibly grateful.

I've taken a few pictures of the belly this week. I hate to let a day or two go by without a picture. In the back of my mind I worry that if I don't do it and then something bad happens, it will always bother me that I didn't.

I love that it still looks so big, even when I'm lying on the couch

We have been able to see Boh's movements from the outside for several weeks now, but I've never managed to get them on video. I finally did last Thursday and again on Sunday.

You'll see her kick in the first few seconds of the video.  

I get up to pee twice a night. Some nights when I get back into bed, Boh starts kicking away for a few minutes and I don't go back to sleep until she stops because I don't want to miss any of it. On the nights when she doesn't kick after I get back into bed, I worry a little (ok, I worried a lot and got up to use to doppler) but it has happened a few times now so I know that I can't count on her moving around every time. She hasn't woken me up yet. She is definitely far more active during the day than she is in the evening and overnight (I think, she might move a lot over night, but I'm a pretty sound sleeper, when I actually manage to sleep - hard to stay on left side all night, starting to have more trouble taking a deep breath, vivid dreams). Some evenings she is quieter than others, and then she is more active than usual the next day. 

I've started falling asleep on the couch more often. I woke up one night at 11 and felt really nauseous. I had a few crackers and felt much better and I'm happy that that hasn't happened again after a nap. 

She has the hiccups more often, but not everyday, at least that I have felt. She kicked me so hard on Friday, that it actually hurt and pain ran down the right side of my belly. 

I haven't had much itchiness, but the skin at the sides of my belly feels really tight sometimes. I got my first nosebleed of the pregnancy on Friday, but it wasn't very bad. I went to the dentist on Friday for a cleaning (no cavities, phew! I really didn't want to have to worry about a filing when pregnant). I saw a new dental hygienist and we talked about the baby and her sister, who has an 8 year old but has had 3 miscarriages since then, including a blighted ovum. I told her about my pregnancy history and we had a lot to talk about. After my appointment, as I was waiting for the elevator, a woman noticed my belly and asked when I'm due. When I said August, she said that she has an August baby. We kept talking and it turns out that her son was born at 26 weeks and is now 12 years old and just fine. It's funny how strangers just start talking away when they see I'm pregnant. 

We got to do something last weekend that I have been wanting to do for 2 years - we went to the Babytimes show. I really wanted to go when I was pregnant with Jacob, but we couldn't as we were in the middle of trying to sell the condo and something came up and we couldn't go. We didn't go last year, of course, since I wasn't pregnant. So I had built this up for 2 years and was really looking forward to it. 

It was good and I enjoyed it and I got some good deals and lots of good information. A black woman walked up to Ted (she was with a white guy) and told him that there is a booth there for cord blood donation (since we are both having mixed babies, she wanted to come and tell him - those of mixed heritage have a really hard time of finding a match so it's great if we can donate it). It is the only company in Ontario that does it right now. I was so happy she approached us. If we don't store Boh's cord blood, I really want to donate it. So we went to the booth and got the information. They said the hospital I'll be delivering at is really cooperative so it shouldn't be a problem. 

We found out more information about strollers, I bought 4 bottles that I'll use when I pump for a really good deal, as well as some other odds and ends. I ran into Lisa there, which was nice and kind of amazing since there were so many people there. 

It surprised me, but sometimes when I saw a pregnant woman (and they were everywhere), I would get the same old pain in my chest that I did before I got pregnant. Sometimes I felt jealous and would tell myself how silly that was because I am pregnant too. Old habits maybe? It happened a few times. I also know that I wasn't the only one there who has had losses. Lisa has and out of all the pregnant women there, there must have been more of us. 

I filled out ballots for a few things (strollers, 3D ultrasound, package of baby supplies). Many of them asked if this is my first child and I always said no. But I wonder if I might not win because they'll think I already have the basic supplies (and I kind of do since I'm getting a lot of stuff from Laurie). When I was buying the bottles, the saleswoman asked if this is my first. I said no and she said "oh, so you're an experienced Mom". I said that I'm not really since my first was stillborn and I just feel bad saying that this baby is my first when she isn't. She said that it's good not to forget the first one, in a very cheerful voice, but at least she didn't say something stupid. 

We went to Vaughan Mills after and I bought Boh some things from Old Navy (love the clearance rack there!)

Because I document everything about this pregnancy, I took some pictures of the things we got from the baby show and the new clothes from Old Navy. 

Lots of reading material

I paid half price for the hats and mitts. I don't know if
I'll really even need the car seat cover, but it was $2.66. I saw
it in Babies R'Us the next day for $26.99! 

I bought this at the baby show and I also bought 2 cloth diapers from my sisters
friend. I just don't have them yet. 

I saw the navy coat at Old Navy before we knew that Boh was a girl.
I really wanted it then, but was also scared to buy things. When
I went back to look for it, it was gone. Found this one at another
location and grabbed it the second I saw it (good thing too because
another Mom was eyeing it in my hands!). I got all of these
items for less than $10

Ok, I think that's it for the pictures. 

We went to a few stores to do more stroller research on Sunday (we were so exhausted after the baby show on Saturday). We've decided to go with the City Select. It is so versatile. The seat is reversible, it can be placed higher or lower on the frame and there is the option of adding another seat, in case we have another one. It also folds really easily and the seat doesn't need to be removed in order to fold it, as some other strollers with reversible seats require. While we were at one baby store, 2 other couples came to get the same stroller (we are going to the US to get it as we can save about $100 between the stroller and the car seat adaptor).

Ted has done a few adorable things this week. He doesn't love musicals (I do). He saw a commercial for the musical Beauty and the Beast and told me that he will take Boh there. I started talking about us all going and he said that it's just something for them to do together (at a musical of all things, I've never been able to get him to go to one!)

We've decided to put a wall decal of a tree in her room. I've been looking at some online and some in the different baby stores we've gone to. Today he sent me several emails of ones he found online and told me which one his favourite is. I love that he is getting so excited for her. 

I've also been getting more and more scared over the past week. Thoughts just creep in about all the things that can go wrong. Boh has reached viability, but what if she doesn't make it out in time. What if she does, but still dies. Sometimes these thoughts are overwhelming. Then she starts squirming around and kicking me (as she has been doing for the entire time it's taken to write this....more than an hour!) and gives me a lot of reassurance and I know that ultimately it is not in my hands. I've had more cervical fluid in the past week. Nothing concerning and I wouldn't even think about it if I wasn't pregnant, but I've had 3-4 bathroom runs over the past few days. I can hardly stand it until I can go and check, but once I get there I pull down my pants really slowly because I'm so scared that there will be blood. This happened at the baby show and I decided on the way to check that if it was blood, we'd drive to Mount Sinai even though my doctor isn't there. I started to tell Ted this after I checked (I never tell him that I'm going to check because why scare him too) and he didn't want to talk about the "what if". It scares him too much. 

I'm going to see Dr. A on Thursday. I've never had a 6 month prenatal appointment before. Another first! 

So today I am 24 weeks and 1 day pregnant and so grateful. Today is 23 months since Jacob was born, just one month away from 2 years. I wrote a post tonight over on Jacob's blog too.

23 weeks

Weighs about a pound now! 

No big scares this week, which has been nice. Boh had 2 quiet days, one on Wednesday and one on Saturday, but I felt her squirming around enough that I didn't panic. Then she moved around like crazy the days after the quiet days. I did use the doppler when I got home from work on Wednesday and I don't think she liked that at all. I lay on the floor while using it and within seconds of putting it on my belly, she kicked me several times really hard just to the right of the wand and it made me laugh, but I stopped doing it as soon as I could hear her heartbeat clearly. It is getting harder and harder to do that because I always pick up my heartbeat at the same time as hers and the other various sounds from my belly.

One really cute thing that she has started doing in the past week (everything she does is cute) is that when I get up to pee at night and get back into bed, she will often start moving around and kicking a lot for a few minutes. She also started doing that when I switch sides, which isn't often because I stay on my left side as long as I can stand it. I gave in and lay on my right side for a while last night and just after I settled, it felt like she was walking across the bottom of my uterus. Now every time I get up to pee or shift positions at all, I hope that she will start moving.

Two people at work said that my belly got bigger over the weekend and one said that it is higher and the other said that it is rounder. I've been feeling Boh's kicks above my belly button for the past few days. It's so hard to believe that not so long ago, my uterus wasn't any higher than my pubic bone (and it could take 30 minutes to find her heartbeat then) and now she is kicking and punching me above my belly button.

I've been finding for a few weeks that it is far more comfortable to sit down when putting on socks and shoes. Putting on underwear and pants isn't hard yet, but it isn't as easy as it once was. If I reach with my left hand to my right side, or vice versa, it is getting harder and harder to reach. I'm still knitting a lot, but I have to adjust how I hold my arms a little so they aren't always pressed against my belly.

I wore 2 maternity blouses for the first time in the past week.

Lindsay gave me this blouse for my birthday in May 2010. I didn't get a chance to wear it out when I was pregnant with Jacob as I wasn't quite big enough yet, although I do have some pictures of me in it when pregnant with him. So it was really exciting to wear it to work. So exciting that I did some self-portraits at my desk.

Forgive the lighting and angle. I had the camera propped up
on my hard drive and was using the timer.

Here I am in the same shirt in May 2010, about 16 weeks pregnant with Jacob.

The shirt made my belly look bigger than it actually was
at the time. 

I also wore this blouse to work on Friday.

I had planned to start wearing it to work the week that Jacob died. Obviously that didn't happen. I tried it on about 2 weeks ago and it just seemed a little bit big. I tried it on again Friday morning and it is almost too small! I might be able to wear it for another week or two.

I enjoy being pregnant so much. I am always rubbing my belly. When I walk around Toronto during my lunch hour, I look at my reflection in the store windows and can't help but smile. A few nights ago, as I was rubbing my belly, Ted said how happy he is that I get to have this again and that I can enjoy it so much. Last night he also said that he is still really scared. We are so happy and excited, but the fear is always lurking.

I think that manifests in my dreams a lot. I've had several dreams that I'm bleeding and I panic and start crying. I had one the other night that was so real, I was surprised when I woke up and I wasn't sobbing like I was in my dream.

My belly hasn't been really, really itchy at any time, but I do feel painful tightness on my sides quite often (nowhere near my uterus), which I assume is from stretching (it feels the same as when you are really, really bloated). I don't have it every day, usually every second day for a few hours.

I've started falling asleep on the couch again at night around 10pm and I feel more tired during the day.

I ended up buying Boh a bunch of clothes on Sunday. I was in a store where they had 40% off clearance, just the kind of sale I always look for. I was with my Mom, Laurie and the boys and we had so much fun picking out clothes. Last night I went in the basement and pulled out all the clothes I've collected over the years and sorted them by age. I have 2 big bags of clothes, and that doesn't even include the pants I've knit or the clothes my sister will be giving me that her boys used (lots of onesies and pajamas). She also has lots of baby gear for us. I'm so excited to get my hands on it all.

Jessie surprised me with a visit at work yesterday and I suggested that we just go to The Bay, which is across the street from my office, and look at clothes. Well, there was a sale. She bought Boh an adorable jumper and some socks and I ended up buying her a few things too. It was fun.

It surprises me that I am buying so much for Boh, but I'm just in a good place emotionally most of the time and want to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I possibly can. That being said, none of the clothes have had the tags removed.

Tonight I went through them again and took pictures of them by size. There are a few items that I've knitted over the years (I have always loved knitting things for babies. They are so cute and don't take as long as knitting a sweater for an adult). I've also collected a few items over the years while travelling.

0-3 months. Jessie bought outfit on the left. It has a big heart on the bottom. 

3-6 months. I bought the outfit on the left and the shirt and pants
on the right after my hysterosalpingogram in January 2011
when the result was much better than expected and I was feeling very
optimistic. I bought the outfit on the second from the left when I was pregnant with the twins
(before I knew it was twins). I thought the baby would fit into it during the Olympics this summer.
The other outfit is the one from Sarita, which has appeared on this blog before.

6 months

6-9months. I bought the 2 sets on the left on Sunday and
the giraffe set on Monday with Jessie. I couldn't resist the
stripped pants. The other pants I bought from Betsy (as well as the
cute white and pink dress in the first clothes picture). 

9 months. My Mom picked the outfit on the left (I'm going to take the pink
frilly material off), I made the sweater a few
years ago and I bough the outfit on the right after the good
test result in January 2011.

6-12 months. Some bought on Sunday, 2 bought after the
good test result in January 2011.

About 18 months. Not too sure about the 4 items on the left.
Bought the onesie with Jessie yesterday (it's hard to see here,
but it has fish on it and we bought some socks that match
it. Bought the dress in Austria 12 years ago (!), made the black sweater, hat, and
purple dress several years ago. 

About 24 months. Made both sweaters years ago. I still
need to add buttons to the sweater at the top. 

About 3 years old. Bought the dress years ago in Austria and
made the butterfly outfit 5-6 years ago. 

The rest. Carrie sent the bows in the middle. Thanks Carrie!